Archive for the ‘Good’ Category

Graceful Dancing

Posted: May 16, 2015 in Absolute Truth, Abuse, Aging, America, Anxiety, Arguments, Atheism, Atheist, Bi-Polar, Bible, Blog, Blogging, Books, Brainwashed, Change, Charity, Charity Foundations, Christianity, Church, Community, Confessions, Coping, Corporate Culture, Crisis, Crooked Politicians, Culture, Death, Debates, Depression, Diary, Dilemma, Dreams, Duty of Care, Dying, Elderly, Emotional Abuse, Epic Battle, Ethics, Evil, Faith, Family, Fear, Forgiveness, God, Good, Good-byes, Greed, Grief, Haile Selassie, Insanity, Inside My Mind, Jesus, Journal, Lies and broken promises, Life, Lists, Living in fear, Logic, Love, Mania, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Minnesota, Misc, miscellaneous, Moral Theories, Morals, Motivation, Mourning, Nursing Homes, Opinion, Pain, Personal, Philosophy, Politics, Prayers, Progress, Psychosis, Quotes, Random, Random Thoughts, Rants, Reform, Rejection, Rights, Sadness, Self-esteem, Self-Help, Self-image, Social Debates, Social Injustices, Society, Sorrow, Spirituality, Stress, Suffering, Suicide, Suicide Note, The Bible, The Bucket List Foundation, The Philosophy of Quotes, Theology, TheRandomArtist, Thoughts, Treatment, Uncategorized, Unity, Verbal Abuse, Work, Work Environment, Writing
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The choice of letting go and saying goodbye is never easy, yet the decision to hold on is even harder. I have let go of hopes, dreams, relationships, redemption and written my goodbyes many times in the past, but every morning I regret my choices and my decisions to hold on… This was the beginning of the post I was working on last Saturday, what was to follow was going to be my final words then swallow every bit of medication I had and finally be at peace. Instead I ended up in the psych ward at Abbot where I stayed until yesterday against my doctors and others advice. I didn’t see the point in staying, all they did was drug me to the point where all I could do was sleep. I was at a crossroads where I knew whether I chose to stay or go I was leaving in worse shape when wen I went in. When I walked out of the hospital and reality came crashing down on me I knew right then and there that I fucked up choosing to go to begin with, yet again regretting my decision to hold on. So I am back where I started but with a bit more inner strength then I had before because I received a mental vacation, but seriously how long will that last? The answer will come in the next week or so as I sit back and see how everything plays out between my job, dream, finances, and relationships. I feel I am at the point where depending on how these things play out will determine my future.

My life is riddled with mistakes, and regrets each one adding to the greater mound of shit called life. At this moment three key things come to mind, keep in mind this is not in chronological order of importance.

  1. Failing at fixing all the problems at the nursing home I work at to improve the quality of life of the residents I have grown to care for so deeply.
  2. Giving up on my dreams of becoming a writer or an artist.
  3. Not finding redemption for the countless number of lives I have destroyed in my 35 years on this earth.
  4. Not following through with shit on November 26th.

I think what it comes down to is acceptance. I need to accept that I won’t ever be more than I am right now. I have to finally accept I won’t ever be able to help the residents where I work. I don’t know what’s worse giving up on my dreams or trying to redeem myself by helping people just like me who can’t help themselves. I have done shitty things; I have poisoned and hurt everyone and everything I have ever touched. Many of my poems touch on this concept of being a “virus.”

For over six years I have worked so hard to make up for all the pain and suffering I have caused by reducing the pain and suffering the residents at the nursing home I work for by the hands and decisions of the very same people who are supposed to care for and safe guard these residents. There are many good hearted people whom I work with who carry this burden of failure, if any of them are reading this they know the deep sorrow and feeling of helplessness of not being able to give these guys the proper quality of life they deserve.

I have been in business with and covered up things for “business associates” who wouldn’t hesitate putting a bullet in your head, but being involved with and covering up for an employer who is a non-profit and allows vulnerable adults and employees to be harassed mistreated and discriminated against is far worse in my eyes. There are many people at the nursing home I work at who see the same things I see but do not act; as Haile Selassie so eloquently put it

Throughout history, it has been the inaction of those who could have acted; the indifference of those who should have known better; the silence of the voice of justice when it mattered most; that has made it possible for evil to triumph.”

All of the people involved in my past life and unfortunately as of late too much of my current life chose “the life” and in the end we all end up in one of two places, we deserve whatever end to our means no matter how horrific or painful. Our residents on the other hand do not deserve the means that transpire until their end comes.

This is my apology to the residents that have come and gone who failed to receive the proper quality of life they deserved. I am sorry that I can no longer continue to fight for the change needed, it is destroying me. My old associates showed more mercy delivering people to their end, than the people I work for now. The people employed by this company who care are used and pushed until they break while the predators are allowed to continue to prey.

Non-profits are not supposed to be run like a criminal organization where fear and intimidation rule. Non-profits are supposed to be built upon something called “Duty of care.” If any one of the “criminals” who work at this nursing home is reading this let me define what duty of care means.

“Duty of care is the moral and legal obligation to attend to the safety and wellbeing of those they serve, those who work for them and others who come into contact with their operations.”

Now to wrap things up there may be some people who do not understand what the title of this entry has to do with the content. Below is a Youtube link of Justin Furstenfeld performing the song “Graceful Dancing.” After hearing his introduction to this powerful song, and seeing the familiar emotions during his performance I decided to check myself into the hospital which drastically changed the content of this post. For that I thank the artist and the person who posted this video.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fCFpgfvPGZo&list=PLIWCEQoVmfdHIakN42xTrXYjPnE6I3EHB&index=55

 

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As promised in yesterdays post; I am going to include a love poem describing the final lesson we can learn from a failed relationship. For all my long time readers you may find yourselves shocked, because this is one of the only non-dark love poems I have written. I am a bit out of my element here, I hope it translates well, and that it will paint the perfect picture from yesterdays post. 

I held a light

For the very first time in my life

Illuminating a world of heavenly sights

Sights never seen in a life of perpetuated night

 

When I held this light

I noticed a twinkle in my eye

I felt butterflies give life to a beating heart

A first in my life

 

You gave me this breathtaking gift

I experienced how it felt to be loved

Through your eyes, I met the man I could never become

Blossoming feelings of blissful self-worth

Powerful enough to wash away the stains, of a life of pain

A first in my life

 

Your light opened many gifts

A lifetime worth of Christmas lists

Showing me I am more than just a broken doll

Your essence, was proof that angels exist

The first time I felt your angelic lips

I wished for time to stop instead of end

A first in my life

The happiest of my life

 

Twenty six years of living in the dark

Made me naïve of your light

The void of night, resents receding to the light

Machiavellian strategy in hand

That void of night patiently waits

For me to lose your gift of light

An unavoidable first in my life

 

To this day I still don’t know how or why I let you go

Extinguishing the light

Did complacency, give way to delusions

If I was worthy to feel an angels embrace

Why was I swallowed up by the familiar night?

Forever gifted with shadows regret

 

There are times I remember how things looked in the light

All those heavenly sights

The flutter of butterfly wings, and a beating heart

My reflection in your eyes, seeing the good inside

To know exceptionally beautiful angels exist

To give goodnight kisses with their heavenly lips

This is when my smile can be seen in the night

 

Memories and dreams are all that remain

During my brief stay in the light of day

Remembering your light

All the firsts in my life

Forever grateful

To experience what life can be like

When you add something so simple

As genuine light

By: Tim Lundmark

 

Thank you for reading a poem which is out of my comfort zone. I hope everyone out there has either found or one day will find their genuine light.

 

My intended focus this week was to break down, analyze, and apply my methodology to three single events with the intended outcome of making the correct choice. Do I stay or do I go? I have repeatedly replayed the same haunting moment of seeing my son still and quiet on his bike as he watched me get in the car to go to work. In that moment I could see in his eyes the internal conflict between acceptance and denial that his dad is slipping away. I could see and understand all too well the sadness he was trying so bravely to hide.

It is difficult for me to release my sadness and sorrow through the shedding of tears. The only time the outside world can see what I try so hard to hide, is when I cannot hold back my tears. At that moment, just as in this moment writing about it I cannot stop the tears. Many people say that crying is supposed to be this wonderful release of pent up emotions. It’s not like that for me. Tears feel like razor blades running down my face, slicing through self-denial and exposing my weakness and vulnerability. Regardless of how many times I have been told I am selfish and only think of myself, at the end of the day my meaning in life, and my purpose is to not break his heart. I am well aware I will never win the father of the year award. To be honest with you I don’t even know if I’m a good father. Despite what I am told I know I have always tried to be the best dad I could be.

After the series of events that took place yesterday, or would it be considered today? I haven’t slept for days so time holds no logical meaning. After said events the only answer to my opening question; is to go. There are only so many pieces someone can be broken into before they are unable to be put back together. I now need to come to terms with the sobering reality that I will become in my own eyes everything I ever swore I wouldn’t. I will become my fathers son. I am desperately seeking, yet fear I will be unable to live with the guilt, or forgive myself.

Children are not stone, nor are they steel. They are dirt and clay, molded by the hands of experience. There is no way to reconcile the loss of my son’s happiness and hope due to the harsh reality of my life, which I have viciously infected upon my family. Despite my frequent mental transformations I made the decision to get married and have children; in that single moment I destroyed their lives. I suppose I was caught up in the perceived human need for significance, by my own sense of insecurity. Here is where I cannot deny my selfishness. Broken dolls are meant to walk alone.

In moments like this I want to hide within the minds of Soren Kierkegaard and Albert Camus covering myself in the blanket of Absurdism. Believing all struggles for life is for nothing. There is only birth and death, and everything in between is our feeble attempt to find meaning and purpose. This concept is wonderful, but in the back of my mind I’m burdened with this question. What if birth and death were only two points, that they were inconsequential compared to what happens between them?

Putting a value on status

will create contentiousness.

If you overvalue possessions,

People begin to steal.

By not displaying what is desirable, you will

cause the people’s hearts to remain undisturbed.

The sage governs

by emptying minds and hearts,

by weakening ambitions and strengthening bones.

Practice not doing….

When action is pure and selfless,

everything settles into its own perfect place.

Lao-tzu

I was discussing with someone on Facebook last night. I posted the question asking if people believed in fate or chance. My friends response was chance; with luck opportunities, and possibilities. I can see the arguments from both sides, I very much appreciated the conversation. How the conversation ended reminded me of many verses of the Tao Te Ching, one of them being the third verse. Since I have started posting verses when I am short on time I figured this suited my conversation last night.

The third verse is about living the content life, and the value of serving your fellow-man. The first four lines have had a huge impact on my life. I very much overvalued social and work status. I strived for more and more possessions to fill this emptiness inside of me. These two things created an overwhelming amount of disharmony in my life. It was only when I started to let go of these desires for higher status, and more possessions; it was then I finally started to achieve them. I let be what will be, and in a sense once I stopped working so hard… things worked out.

For the next three days practice the art of not doing, and see how much you get done. Live these three days with the mind-frame of “how may I serve.” Observe the positive outcomes from doing for others.

The Yin Yang is a symbol of duality. Verse two of the Tao Te Ching says “we can only know beauty because there is ugliness. All can know good as good only because there is evil.” Looking at a Yin Yang symbol we see white within the black, and black within the white. This is telling us within one thing lies the other. In darkness we see light, and vice verses. Taoist know there is no such thing as ugly, or beautiful. These are man-made concepts, and to view the world in such a judgmental way keeps us from living a good life. This also applies to good and evil. We only know one because there is the other, and these definitions are defined by man.

In order to explain this I need you to take a step back, clear your mind of any societal induced versions of what is deemed good and what is deemed evil. You also need to put aside any personal view points on what is moral and the concept of a conscience.

We are born into this world as a clean slate. The only concepts we have in our mind is our primal urges. These are things that are bred into any creature on this earth. Holding onto this concept of a clean slate, we learn how to crawl, walk, and speak. These are actions we knew nothing of, until we were taught. As you grow, you begin to learn what behaviors are acceptable and which ones are not. You were not born knowing the difference between the two. Are you born knowing to not touch a hot stove? No, you are either told, or you touched a hot stove and burned yourself. This is all learned, you are not born with this knowledge. As you grow older this concept becomes more complex.

When you are born do you know the concept of beauty, or is it defined to you? The media, family, and peers define this concept. When we are born do we know of God? This is taught through our parents and religious establishments. This could be elaborated on over and over; point is everything we know we are taught.

I was debating with my wife on this concept yesterday, and she brought up morals, and the individuals self conscience. She was saying that all humans are born with a conscience and know right from wrong. The same applies to the concept of morality. When we are born, do we know it is morally wrong to steal? No, our parents, schools, peers, religions, the media, and our society’s laws teach us this concept. The question then is where does our conscience come into play. The answer is simple; we are told through all these different channels that stealing is bad. Your conscience is reinforcing what it was taught, which was stealing is bad.

If you are still thinking I am wrong, look at suicide bombers, or feuding ethnic groups in Africa. The follower is taught that by blowing himself up and killing infidels, he will be greeted in heaven and awarded 72 virgins. It is taught that the greatest way to please God is to become a martyr. To the believer the act of killing is righteous. In Africa you are taught to hate rival tribes. It is considered noble to kill your enemy, in fact they see no problem with genocide.

It is hard for us to believe that we are rewarded in heaven if we kill non believers. It is even harder to imagine committing genocide. We view these actions as immoral, and evil, they view these actions as just and righteous. The difference between is how we are raised.

The concept of good and evil is man-made. Morality and ethics are subjective to the individual. Insanity and sane is defined only by our society, night and day are just man-made concepts to define the differences between the two.