Posts Tagged ‘Abuse’

Graceful Dancing

Posted: May 16, 2015 in Absolute Truth, Abuse, Aging, America, Anxiety, Arguments, Atheism, Atheist, Bi-Polar, Bible, Blog, Blogging, Books, Brainwashed, Change, Charity, Charity Foundations, Christianity, Church, Community, Confessions, Coping, Corporate Culture, Crisis, Crooked Politicians, Culture, Death, Debates, Depression, Diary, Dilemma, Dreams, Duty of Care, Dying, Elderly, Emotional Abuse, Epic Battle, Ethics, Evil, Faith, Family, Fear, Forgiveness, God, Good, Good-byes, Greed, Grief, Haile Selassie, Insanity, Inside My Mind, Jesus, Journal, Lies and broken promises, Life, Lists, Living in fear, Logic, Love, Mania, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Minnesota, Misc, miscellaneous, Moral Theories, Morals, Motivation, Mourning, Nursing Homes, Opinion, Pain, Personal, Philosophy, Politics, Prayers, Progress, Psychosis, Quotes, Random, Random Thoughts, Rants, Reform, Rejection, Rights, Sadness, Self-esteem, Self-Help, Self-image, Social Debates, Social Injustices, Society, Sorrow, Spirituality, Stress, Suffering, Suicide, Suicide Note, The Bible, The Bucket List Foundation, The Philosophy of Quotes, Theology, TheRandomArtist, Thoughts, Treatment, Uncategorized, Unity, Verbal Abuse, Work, Work Environment, Writing
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The choice of letting go and saying goodbye is never easy, yet the decision to hold on is even harder. I have let go of hopes, dreams, relationships, redemption and written my goodbyes many times in the past, but every morning I regret my choices and my decisions to hold on… This was the beginning of the post I was working on last Saturday, what was to follow was going to be my final words then swallow every bit of medication I had and finally be at peace. Instead I ended up in the psych ward at Abbot where I stayed until yesterday against my doctors and others advice. I didn’t see the point in staying, all they did was drug me to the point where all I could do was sleep. I was at a crossroads where I knew whether I chose to stay or go I was leaving in worse shape when wen I went in. When I walked out of the hospital and reality came crashing down on me I knew right then and there that I fucked up choosing to go to begin with, yet again regretting my decision to hold on. So I am back where I started but with a bit more inner strength then I had before because I received a mental vacation, but seriously how long will that last? The answer will come in the next week or so as I sit back and see how everything plays out between my job, dream, finances, and relationships. I feel I am at the point where depending on how these things play out will determine my future.

My life is riddled with mistakes, and regrets each one adding to the greater mound of shit called life. At this moment three key things come to mind, keep in mind this is not in chronological order of importance.

  1. Failing at fixing all the problems at the nursing home I work at to improve the quality of life of the residents I have grown to care for so deeply.
  2. Giving up on my dreams of becoming a writer or an artist.
  3. Not finding redemption for the countless number of lives I have destroyed in my 35 years on this earth.
  4. Not following through with shit on November 26th.

I think what it comes down to is acceptance. I need to accept that I won’t ever be more than I am right now. I have to finally accept I won’t ever be able to help the residents where I work. I don’t know what’s worse giving up on my dreams or trying to redeem myself by helping people just like me who can’t help themselves. I have done shitty things; I have poisoned and hurt everyone and everything I have ever touched. Many of my poems touch on this concept of being a “virus.”

For over six years I have worked so hard to make up for all the pain and suffering I have caused by reducing the pain and suffering the residents at the nursing home I work for by the hands and decisions of the very same people who are supposed to care for and safe guard these residents. There are many good hearted people whom I work with who carry this burden of failure, if any of them are reading this they know the deep sorrow and feeling of helplessness of not being able to give these guys the proper quality of life they deserve.

I have been in business with and covered up things for “business associates” who wouldn’t hesitate putting a bullet in your head, but being involved with and covering up for an employer who is a non-profit and allows vulnerable adults and employees to be harassed mistreated and discriminated against is far worse in my eyes. There are many people at the nursing home I work at who see the same things I see but do not act; as Haile Selassie so eloquently put it

Throughout history, it has been the inaction of those who could have acted; the indifference of those who should have known better; the silence of the voice of justice when it mattered most; that has made it possible for evil to triumph.”

All of the people involved in my past life and unfortunately as of late too much of my current life chose “the life” and in the end we all end up in one of two places, we deserve whatever end to our means no matter how horrific or painful. Our residents on the other hand do not deserve the means that transpire until their end comes.

This is my apology to the residents that have come and gone who failed to receive the proper quality of life they deserved. I am sorry that I can no longer continue to fight for the change needed, it is destroying me. My old associates showed more mercy delivering people to their end, than the people I work for now. The people employed by this company who care are used and pushed until they break while the predators are allowed to continue to prey.

Non-profits are not supposed to be run like a criminal organization where fear and intimidation rule. Non-profits are supposed to be built upon something called “Duty of care.” If any one of the “criminals” who work at this nursing home is reading this let me define what duty of care means.

“Duty of care is the moral and legal obligation to attend to the safety and wellbeing of those they serve, those who work for them and others who come into contact with their operations.”

Now to wrap things up there may be some people who do not understand what the title of this entry has to do with the content. Below is a Youtube link of Justin Furstenfeld performing the song “Graceful Dancing.” After hearing his introduction to this powerful song, and seeing the familiar emotions during his performance I decided to check myself into the hospital which drastically changed the content of this post. For that I thank the artist and the person who posted this video.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fCFpgfvPGZo&list=PLIWCEQoVmfdHIakN42xTrXYjPnE6I3EHB&index=55

 

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Satan’s Manipulation Tactics

Satan is up to her old manipulative and diabolical tricks again. My daughter had a visit with her last weekend. She is using manipulation tactics to try and get our daughter to see her husband Fuck Face. Satan is using my daughters’ sisters as the tool to achieve this. She has been chipping away at her for the past ten months, saying she can only see her sisters is if she agrees to see Fuck Face with them. She tells her she cannot see them because Fuck Face believes she will bad mouth him in front of them. The only way she can see them is if he is there to monitor. It has been a year and seven months since she has seen them.

My daughter was severely traumatized by this man; he verbally and emotionally abused her while she was living with them over two years ago. He would mistreat her anytime her mom was not around. When she would complain Fuck Face would say she was lying and she would get punished for saying something. The punishments they gave her were severe. They would confine her to her room for a month at a time. She was not able to leave her room for any reason. Meals were served to her on a tray, and she was not even able to bring the plates down; somebody picked them up from her room. There were other punishments, but this was the major punishment which really got under my skin.

There was another time Fuck Face was throwing bottle caps at her while she was doing the dishes. She asked him to stop and he just laughed away and kept doing it, then laid into her because she started to cry. He would find any reason to punish and aggressively attack her. As an example; my daughter was walking up the stairs, and as she was walking up she woke up her mom. She was punished to her room punishment, and had to clean the entire house. In fact I do not think there was a week that went by where she was not on house cleanup.

While she was living with them, she complained all the time he was mistreating her. When I would confront them about this they would call her a liar. He would tell me all these untrue horrible things she said about me. When I told him these things were untrue he said “see see she is a compulsive liar.” They would tell me the only reason she is saying this is because she wanted to live with me. I figured this would have stoped once she moved in with me. I feel like shit for ever doubting what she was telling me.

He must have enjoyed the mental mind fuck he was doing to her, because he couldn’t even stop after she moved in with me. I started to believe everything she was telling me when she still complained of mistreatment on her every other weekend visits,. The final occurrence in March of 09 was the straw that broke the camels back. She came home very upset saying Fuck Face called her a sin child, and unlike her sisters who were born into love, and that is why they are better than her. He told her “you wouldn’t want to have a kid like you would you?” I confronted them; telling them this behavior stops now! I demanded Fuck Face no longer be left along with my daughter, because this is when these things are happening. Satan said that is fine, she was no longer welcomed over there. She has not been back since.

In November Fuck Face sent me a text asking to speak with her (after he found out he may have to pay child support.) When I told her this she started to cry and shiver. She said if she says no he will come and get her, because he knows when she is home alone. She made me promise her I would protect her from him. I have lived up to this promise until now. How do I combat what Satan is doing? I knew eventually if she kept hanging this carrot of seeing her sisters in front of her she would finally break down and agree to see him. My daughter stayed strong and would not agree to this. She would even ask why she can’t just see her sisters without Fuck Face. Her mom would just say “you just can’t.” Yesterday she finally caved in.

I am at a loss for what to do. I cannot control Satan’s tactics; even if I confronted her about this she would just tell me to fuck off. She does not want to see him but says there is no other way she can see her sisters. Should I not allow her to go with if Fuck Face is there? Her therapist wrote a letter to the courts saying it is not in her best interest to see him. The Judge said she should also not see him, until Satan and my daughter go though intense therapy together. I know what there agenda is to get to the point where they do not have to pay child support. I mean c’mon her mom didn’t want to see her until she was threatened with the realization she was going to have to pay child support. I just need to know what the best thing to do is.

Yesterday the epic battle took place on neutral ground between the evil whore beast Satan. I was a nervous wreck prior to our stand-off. I had my wife, and my aunt in-laws Karen, and Gail for support. We were wondering who would show up with Satan for support; would it be her mother, or her husband fuck face? I thought it would be her mother, she used to be an allies until she started seeing Satan. It took all of one conversation to draw her to the dark side. I thought it would be fuck face, but my wife said “there is no way he will show his face, after all the accusations.” Satan’s allies was none other than the fuck face, the dirty little bastard showed his face.

I had an 18 minute speech prepared aimed at sending the demon back to the pits of hell. I was discouraged to find out, I would not have an option to read it. The referee started off the hearing by asking us why we were there, where we agreed, and where we disagreed. This threw me off, so I missed some key points on where we disagreed. This area was how Satan set up visitation during holidays. Satan requested our daughter spend Christmas eve, and every other Easter with her grandma. My response was if Satan herself did not want to spend holidays with her daughter, then she can not request I allow her to spend them with her grandma. I have always allowed my daughter to see her extended family, so it is not really an issue. I just thought it was stupid she requested such things. I also forgot that we disagreed on monitoring phone calls, which due to her serpent tongue this is desperately needed.

I gave my speech for why I felt I deserved full legal custody, and the beast gave hers. I am unsure which way he will rule in this area. He asked if he did not award full legal custody would it not be in the best interest of the minor child. Satan said it would be in the best interest of minor child, and stated, although we have had our up’s and down’s we have always managed to work things out. I disagreed; I pointed out to the referee how many times we have had to go to court, this should show we can not get along. I also pointed out that we do not like each other and communicating is extremely difficult. I feel there is some hope this will be awarded to me.

On the issue of child support the referee asked Satan directly “do you feel you should not have to pay child support?” Satan responded with “yes…I mean no…well not very much.” I could tell from reading the referee’s non verbal he thought the answer was stupid. He did state she will not have much of a choice in this manner. I asked the referee to base child support off of Satan’s potential income, before she decided she no longer wanted to work, she was making over $20.00 an hour roofing. Satan responded with “roofing is too dangerous; so I don’t want to do that anymore.” The referee asked her how much he should use for an hourly wage, she stated $12.00 an hour. She stated she has no degree, and no speakable skills and that finding a job would be nearly impossible. The referee asked her how much fuck face made. She responded with “I Don’t know.” He looked at her and said “you don’t know?” She skated around the question, and eventually said he works on commission so she isn’t really sure. I finally said “I am sure Satan does not want to pay child support, just like any parent wishes they did not have to pay child support on a child they see four days a year, but it is ridiculous she thinks she does not have to support her daughter.”

I could tell the referee thought she was a compleat douche. If you remember from a prior post, I stated; Satan was requiring me to carry insurance on the minor child, she felt it was not safe for her to not have traditional insurance. This was after she read we could not afford insurance. I pointed out to the referee; it would cost me 54% of my paychecks to insure her on my insurance. He looks at Satan and asks “are you willing to pay half of the medical insurance?” She snickers and says well yea as long as I don’t have to pay child support.

The referee was spending more time asking Satan questions than he was myself. After the hearing Gail told me that was a good sign, she could tell he was seeing right through her bullshit. He was not very nice to her, and told her that she clearly chose her husband over her daughter. There was much more minor insanity, which was said. She told the courts the reason she stopped seeing her daughter in March of 09 was due to me and my accusations of abuse. The referee asked her “well who told Mr. Lundmark about the allegations?” She responded with our daughter.

When it was over she stated her heart hurt over everything that has happened, and she really wants to fix her relationship with her daughter. The referee looked at her and said “how are you going to do that only seeing her 96 hours a year?” He requested she go to reconciliation therapy with her daughter, he made sure to point out she would be paying for that. There really was more said, but this is getting really long. I will not know the referees decision for another 4-6 weeks, waiting for it will be stressful.

I text Satan later that day, and told her if the referee ruled I had to carry our daughter on my insurance, and she agreed to pay half, she would owe me $625.00 a month. Stupid cootch tried to cause me financial stress, and only ended up screwing herself.

The court date is set for March 3rd, I filed the paperwork in Janurary. I am requesting full legal and physical custody, along with child support. The demon see’s her daughter two times a month for a total of 96 hours in a year. In an e-mail she agreed to give me full legal and physical custody as long as I don’t pursue child support. I did not agree; I feel she should help support her daughter. If you would like additional information; feel free to read past posts.

 I filed the court papers months ago, and I had her served by mail, since this time I have been waiting to hear her response. This is causing my anxiety to kick into hyperdrive, and is gravely affecting my life. The court papers say; if she is disputing anything, and is serving by mail it had to be post marked by the 18th of February. She lives close by, so I should have recieved the papers. If she intends to have someone serve me, it has to be 5 days before the court date.

I could no longer handle the stress, so I called family courts, I asked if the demon had filed a response. The court person, said she filed a response on the 16th of February. I stated I had not recieved yet, and it is the 23rd. I asked her if she signed an avidavid stating if she had mailed, or was I going to be served. She stated to me, that she had not filed the avidavid, which states she is mailing or serving. I had some questions stating the judge should not accept, since she violated the court rules on when she should send it. I was transfered to one of the judges assistants.

I spoke withe the judges assistant, she would not assist me in much. The feeling I got from her was not a good one. She advised me to talk to the legal support team to talk about my options. The assistant informed me; the evil one was disputing, but would not say what. I asked her about filing deadlines, she informed me I may not see the paperwork until the actual court date, she did tell me the judge would give me time to review, or reschedule the court date. I need to see those papers so I can mount my defense. I am not okay with rescheduling, this whole situation has not been good for my mental health.

I called the self help legal team, but the wait time for a call backl is 3-4 business days. I have delt with the self help desk before, and they do not assist much over the phone. They advise you to come in, which is not an option. My daughter has school patrol all week, and her grandma picks her up from school. I have a feeling she will be the one to serve me on Friday. This will put the nail in the coffen for our relationship. There was a time when she was not allowed to speak to Satan, and she was very friendly; she praised us many times, stating my daughter was better off not seeing her mom, and that we were great parents. Since her reunion with the demon, she has not said a word to us.

Here is my biggest problem, because I did not agree with the beast on child support she is on a rampage for revenge. She does not give a shit what is in her daughters best interest. She is spiteful, through our whole relationship she has used our daughter to try and hurt me. I fear that she will request 50% physical custody so she does not have to pay child support, or request that she live with her full time. I made a promise to my daughter that I would never allow her to see fuck face, and that I will protect her from him.

I hope the judge can see, she is only doing this because she does not want to pay child support. Since March 2009, she has only seen her four times, for a total of 12 hours. She was invited to go to parents day, and watch our daughter perform in a concert. She never came, times between their visits she does not attempt to contact her. This evil manipulating douche bag, does not care what is in her daughters best interest, she only cares about revenge.

Last night I was looking at pictures of my younger sister’s newborn baby on Facebook. As I went from one picture to the next I was feeling a sense of joy, from seeing her first-born child. My emotions turned upside down when a picture of her father holding Lily popped up. Seeing a picture of the man who tormented me for so many years was a bit shocking, many emotions welled up inside me ranging from hate to sympathy. I laid on the couch, and an urge came to text my sister, and ask for my estranged step-fathers number. Shortly thereafter I received his number, and programmed it into my phone. It was too late to call him, so I decided to what until tomorrow to make the call. I woke up this morning, and felt trepidation mixed with excitement to make the call. I waited and waited filled with nerves I haven’t felt in many years. I finally built up the courage to call around 4:30pm. I think a little background information is in order, before I continue this story.

My mother and father divorced when I was very young, maybe two or three I really don’t remember. Shortly after the divorce my mother met Sam; I was young when they first got together so I really do not recall their early relationship, or what it was like living with him. I am sure he was nice and charming, for if he treated us kids the way he did later in life I cannot fathom why she would have stayed with him.

My earliest memory, of when things started to go horribly wrong was around eight years old. We moved into a new house, by this time my mom and Sam had already had two children together. The house we moved into was two levels, my sisters and I slept in the basement, while my mom, Sam, and their two young children slept upstairs. It was not until I got much older; I realized the true symbolism of this separation. The following years were filled with living in utter fear, I am not going to go into detail on this subject. The psychological pain is far too much to have to re-live.

My mom had many fights with Sam over the way he treated my older sisters and I. She started to notice this type of environment was unhealthy. She wanted to protect me, but was in a lose-lose situation so in In 5th grade I was sent to live with my Grandma. I lasted there for a year before my behaviors’ became too much for her to handle. I was then sent to live with my father and his abusive alcoholic wife for nine months before she got drunk and kicked me out. The whole time I was living there my father did nothing to protect me.

With nowhere else to go I was sent back to my moms. I did not know which was worse; dealing with the sadistic shit at my dad’s or the sadistic shit at my moms. I stayed with my mom for I think two years, before I was sent off to live with my sister, then back with dad, back with sister, back with mom, kicked out nowhere to go ended up with friend, then finally I found some stability when my best friend’s parents took me in. The three years I lived there, ended up being the most stable years of my childhood.

The things that my step-father did to me at such a young age, I would not wish on my worst enemy. The verbal abuse was intense, the physical threats were terrifying, and the emotional damage I carry to this day… devastating. Regardless of my deep seeded fear of this man, all I really wanted was his acceptance. I tried so hard to find a common bond, and hear from him just once how he was proud of me.

My father was in and out of my life, so for better or worse he was my father figure, and like any child I only wanted his love and affection. These are things I would never receive, instead I would be told consistently how big of a piece of shit I was, and how I would amount to nothing just like my father. His psychological abuse was so bad, that past 8pm I would fear leaving my room so much, that If I needed to use the bathroom I would piss in a bottle. I was 16 at the time. After the last time I was kicked out I did not have much contact with Sam, I would have panic attacks the times I went to go visit my mom and he would not say a word to me. I would have panic attacks anytime I would call her and he answered the phone.

When I was 19 my mom, Sam and my younger siblings moved to Northern Minnesota; from then on I saw very little of them. I would have brief chats with Sam if I called and he answered, or the few times I visited up there. A few years back my mother finally wised up and divorced him, after gambling away hundreds of thousands dollars and making her life hell she finally had enough. It has taken me years to totally forgive my mother, and to actually want to have a real relationship with her and his children. I didn’t realize my mother always had my best interests in mind, and she did everything to protect me.

The times I have gone up to visit my mom, I always think about stopping by to see him, or from time to time give him a call. I never followed through with it until today. I figured if I called him and said that I have a beautiful wife and three wonderful children, a house with nice things in it, and just had a book published, maybe I would finally hear him say he was proud of me. I may finally gain his approval, and in that put many demons to rest.

I should defiantly lower my expectations in life. When I called and told him it was me, his response was “ya so” I didn’t know how to respond to that, so I tried to do some small talk. He was a complete asshole to me, he said that he hates my generation; he said that if he would have called his mom after all that time of not talking to her she would have hung up on him. I apologized for calling, and said it won’t happen again. He said good and hung up. In that instant I was left feeling like the scared, rejected, pathetic child I am.