Posts Tagged ‘Blogger’

I started this blog almost ten years ago. My ultimate goal has always been to write from my mind and heart with complete honesty. Over the years my writing has produced so many bad outcomes I am left to ponder on whether or not to continue writing. 

When I write I do not hold back, and as a result around two years into this adventure I changed my blog to include a pen name in hopes this will minimize the damage caused. For the most part this worked, but the feedback I would receive was negative. My wife has always worried about our kids or our children’s parents reading my deeply personal musings. This fear caused me to stop writing all together, and my blog just sat out there in limbo. 

Writing has always been cathartic and therapeutic. Ever since I started to have real feelings I slowly began to write again. Last night my wife told me that our 13 year old son and his friends have discoverd and read many posts, and was told my writing has caused my son’s friends parents to not allow their kids to be friends with him.

This was a devastating blow because my intentions are good, and I find it sad that other parents are so judgmental they punish him for the sins of his father. 

It is decision time. As I see it my options are to cease and desist my blog and any future damaging posts, or continue to write from my mind and heart with complete honesty. 

I try my best to put out quality posts every day, just as I try to write riveting emotional poems, or rhyming fascinating children’s books. I try to do this but there are times I simply come up short of greatness. With my poems when I write a stinker I can normally keep it to myself, unless I was dumb enough and published it in one of my books. When I received my first print copies of “Yin” and “Yang,” I went back to read my poems and thought to myself “seriously this is dog shit!” I am not too worried about my poetry so much because it is a dead art and will never do anything for me anyway. I look at my poetry as a hobby not anything which is substantial. I do not seem to have any issues writing the “Dylan Thomas” books because it all seems to come to me naturally. When I sit down to write one it just seems to come to me in perfect order. The first “Dylan Thomas” book I wrote took me eight hours, while the second one took me twenty minutes and my editor said it was far better than the first one. Now my blog is different, my blog is a personal invitation inside of my world and direct access to my mind. I write just to write which has caused me to publish some pretty horrible pieces, which I wish I could take back. This blog is one of my gateways for people to purchase my books; if I come up short on a post then this new reader may not consider buying one of my books.

When I sit down to write a post I try my best to calm my thoughts, and grab the first thing that comes to mind and just start writing about it. It is very rare I will be calculated with what I write except for my Tao Te Ching series. I put a lot of thought and reflection into these pieces before I write them. Beyond this series I am just all over the board. While I am writing these posts it flows from my brain onto the computer screen. While I am writing it I think I am writing the most interesting post of all time. I have often times gone back to read a post and wonder what the hell I was thinking about. This is a concern for me because this blog represents the first impression of how I will be perceived by my readers. If a new reader stumbles upon one of my posts and the first one they reads is horseshit like the one I did last week about the Shield. If this is their first impression of me then they will not come back for more, or ever consider purchasing any of my books. I feel a great sense of pressure to ensure what I am writing is quality stuff. Now take this post for example I am just rambling with no real purpose and I may publish this garbage. How many people are going to be interested in reading about how I write some shitty things sometimes? This is neither riveting nor interesting.

I am sometimes delusional and think what I am writing is a masterpiece. One example of such delusional thinking when it comes to what I feel is a great post is in two posts I wrote last week. I thought when I wrote You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back. and Absurdism, Religion, and Nothing. To me I thought I just wrote something which was brilliant. When I was driving home with my wife I was telling her how great I thought the “never lose by loving” post was. She kind of grounded me a bit by pointing out where I failed to get my point across. She did this in an honest and loving way which I appreciate. I know I wrote two bad posts last week; the Shield post and the one about the Tao of poetry. I went back and re-read them and was very embarrassed over what I wrote.

My greatest enjoyment in my quest to become a writer is writing on this blog. These brief posts are snapshots into my mind and soul. I know anyone can sit and write a blog, and this requires no special talent, but there is this odd sense of accomplishment each time I hit publish.  I know this blog will do very little to further my writing career. I know I am not good enough to become a career blogger, so I often times wonder why I waste the time doing it. I know this site will not really help me sell books, and I know anybody who reads this blog will think twice about ordering a children’s book written by me. Regardless of all this my posts on this site are by far my greatest accomplishments. There is a certain high I get knowing somebody has not only read my work but enjoyed it. I just worry the garbage posts will turn them away.

I do not want to really “work” to write these posts I just want them to write themselves to help ease the hemraging on my brain. The day I need to struggle to find something in my mind is the day I know it is time to end this. I will continue to write posts which are shitty, but I also know at least once a week I will write something good. It is these good posts that keep the fire burning. So now it is time to hit submit.