Posts Tagged ‘Family’

My intended focus this week was to break down, analyze, and apply my methodology to three single events with the intended outcome of making the correct choice. Do I stay or do I go? I have repeatedly replayed the same haunting moment of seeing my son still and quiet on his bike as he watched me get in the car to go to work. In that moment I could see in his eyes the internal conflict between acceptance and denial that his dad is slipping away. I could see and understand all too well the sadness he was trying so bravely to hide.

It is difficult for me to release my sadness and sorrow through the shedding of tears. The only time the outside world can see what I try so hard to hide, is when I cannot hold back my tears. At that moment, just as in this moment writing about it I cannot stop the tears. Many people say that crying is supposed to be this wonderful release of pent up emotions. It’s not like that for me. Tears feel like razor blades running down my face, slicing through self-denial and exposing my weakness and vulnerability. Regardless of how many times I have been told I am selfish and only think of myself, at the end of the day my meaning in life, and my purpose is to not break his heart. I am well aware I will never win the father of the year award. To be honest with you I don’t even know if I’m a good father. Despite what I am told I know I have always tried to be the best dad I could be.

After the series of events that took place yesterday, or would it be considered today? I haven’t slept for days so time holds no logical meaning. After said events the only answer to my opening question; is to go. There are only so many pieces someone can be broken into before they are unable to be put back together. I now need to come to terms with the sobering reality that I will become in my own eyes everything I ever swore I wouldn’t. I will become my fathers son. I am desperately seeking, yet fear I will be unable to live with the guilt, or forgive myself.

Children are not stone, nor are they steel. They are dirt and clay, molded by the hands of experience. There is no way to reconcile the loss of my son’s happiness and hope due to the harsh reality of my life, which I have viciously infected upon my family. Despite my frequent mental transformations I made the decision to get married and have children; in that single moment I destroyed their lives. I suppose I was caught up in the perceived human need for significance, by my own sense of insecurity. Here is where I cannot deny my selfishness. Broken dolls are meant to walk alone.

In moments like this I want to hide within the minds of Soren Kierkegaard and Albert Camus covering myself in the blanket of Absurdism. Believing all struggles for life is for nothing. There is only birth and death, and everything in between is our feeble attempt to find meaning and purpose. This concept is wonderful, but in the back of my mind I’m burdened with this question. What if birth and death were only two points, that they were inconsequential compared to what happens between them?

I am currently burdened with this increasingly ticking clock looming over my head. I hear it every second of every day; sometimes it’s as soft as a pin drop, other times it’s so deafening it impedes on my ability to function. Loud or soft there is no escape it’s always there tick, tock, tick, tock. This metaphorical clock terrorizing my mind is the count down leading to the single most important decision I have had to make thus far in my life. Do I stay or do I go?

Regardless of how hard I try not to have this internal battle; I would question my humanity if I didn’t. I have spent 15 years of my life with this person, and raised three children with her. I would delusional to think, after 15 years there would be only happy times; that our relationship would be void of heartaches. I figure the best way to analyze this problem is through a Utilitarian view point. Which decisions creates the most happiness while simultaneously creating the least amount of sorrow. I have quickly learned that making a decision as a utilitarian when there are so many people involved is damn near impossible. What I have been doing is treating each situation as a single event. I observe how I feel inside; I try to imagine how those involved feel inside. I then proceed to estimate how many times such an event has happened in the past, and then apply the probability of this event happening in the future. This is the method I have been using to try and silence the ticking clock by making my final decision. Will this methodology sentence me to a life filled with tormenting regret, or will it be the key to unlock these shackles of hopelessness I have been chained to most of my life.

This week I plan on taking some of these single events; breaking them down as I have described above with the hope of discovering the answer to my question. Do I stay or do I go?

It has been over two years since my last post; in fact during this time I haven’t written anything. The reasons for this abrupt end are inconsequential at the moment, but will most definitely need to be examined in an attempt to uncover how and why my life has completely unraveled. The life I have known for the last fifteen years is about to come to an end; like all endings there is the inevitable re-birth. This is the saddest ending I have had to endure in my life, and the most terrifying beginning I have ever had to face. I am trying my best to understand and process all these intense emotions, but I find myself drowning unable to find the surface for a much needed breath of hope and understanding. For the last year or so I have been trapped in this painfully unsolvable riddle, and it has been eating me alive. I have experienced undeniable betrayal, but I have chosen to wrap myself in the comfort of lies. I want to believe the lies, so I don’t have to experience this gut wrenching sadness. In the end I was willing to suffer an eternity of sorrow just to hear the whole truth. I could at least begin to forgive and trust, unfortunately this was not the outcome. Ever the fool I would have stayed, but it was the unrelenting daily reminders of these lies and betrayal as if I was the guilty party that ultimately destroyed everything. I can’t sleep or eat, and I have been rotting away with each passing day. The only viable solution I can find to help me through the coming storm is to attempt to write again. I can say that a piece of me died when I stopped writing, yet ironically my writing also played a major role in some of the other pieces of my life to die. I need to return to this medium, because if I don’t I will never find the surface. Each day will continue to be more painful than the last; I need hope that tomorrow will one day hurt less than today. I believe this is my only chance of surviving this re-birth. My fear is discovering I have lost the ability to express myself.

<a href=”http://www.hypersmash.com/dreamhost/&#8221; id=”wH806″>DreamHost review</a>

Holy shit has it been a long time. I have been battling myself back and forth what to do with this site, and what to do with my writing career. I would love to tell everyone on here that I have written scores of published children’s stories and all my dreams have come true. I would love to say this, but sadly I cannot. My writing just sorta….well….stalled. I was making really good progress on my children’s books but one day I just stopped writing. I don’t know why exactly I just stopped. I just remember getting settled in to start making magic when I realized there were 1000 more things I would rather be doing. I think I got so sucked into the children’s books and as a result I drifted far away from what my true identity as a writer really is. I have been going back forth with myself wondering if I should start writing again. I found my answer twenty minutes ago when I logged onto my wordpress account.

It had been sometime since I was last logged in and there had been many changes and to be honest with you I felt a bit out of place. I did notice that I had many unread comments which came as a much needed surprise. As I read through these comments I thought to myself how stupid it was of me to stop ever writing in the first place. I decided to push aside any useless task I was going to try and accomplish today, and just write.

Right now my life is surrounded with such dark clouds of uncertainty. The things I always thought were going to be in reality really are not. I am having a very difficult time coping with life and I have been discovering that my daily living activities are getting harder and harder to complete. I am all bound up in this tightly wound ball, and if I do not do something about this I may end up snapping and going nomadic. I don’t mean like bad ass ninja nomadic with their all black suits and many large sharp objects. I am talking about the scary nomad; the kind that wears white shirts and tacky ties wondering suburbia with a bible and a backpack. That thought for a brief moment made me feel a bit better. 

It’s the old cliché that days feel like months, hours seem like days, and every second hurts more than the last. One of my greatest coping mechanisms has always been writing and right now I need her more than anything. So like I said I logged onto the old WordPress and decided to just go wherever my fingers may take me…. Which apparently is here?

So where exactly is here, and how is here going to affect my life? I do know for the brief moment I decided to take and write this post has helped me get through this last hour, and let me tell you this last hour was truly killer. But here I am. I am still breathing. No bible. No ninja suit. I am here. Now where I am tomorrow may be completely different. I can walk away from these certain that I will jump back on the horse and start writing about this sick twisted world seen through my eyes. I can tell you with 100% certainty that I will be starting a new blog from scratch where I can write with the safety of a pen name. I did learn from my dealings with the Nazi onSesame Streetthat writing your true feelings can come at the cost of family, but in reality that is how I have always rolled and I really don’t plan on changing now.

Peace

There are a few things going on with the various responses I have received from my family. I do not really know where to start or what to address. I pondered responding via a comment thread, but figured this avenue would be much better and hopefully clear up some misunderstandings and clarify things to those around me. I am in no way going to go off in an attacking rage, or really say anything inappropriate. Before I begin I want it to be noted that I am not sorry for the things I said about Ernie, and I will not apologize for what I said. I am aware that this obviously will ensure that we will never be invited to the family reunion, but really would we ever have been? I am going to be the same person I always have been so why would he change his mind? I heard somewhere that he was going to change his mind until I sent my F.U. email, but this is highly suspect since he didn’t change his mind in the midst of all the bullshit. This is an easy excuse for him and I am not sorry I sent it I am only sorry that I gave him a cop out.

As much as I would like to address each issue individually I am only going to clarify a few things. The first is the comments about “getting over it.” I agree with this that I should get over all the bullshit that happened in my past, and for the most part I have. Those who have talked to me would know this. Of course there are times or situations that will remind me of specific situations, and I have to re-live the emotions, but I work them out. In my early twenties I really didn’t want anything to do with anyone. I had never dealt with anything and only self medicated to ease that pain. Once I sobered up I was confronted with this shit all at once and it was to much. I hated everyone including myself, and I blamed everyone else for all my problems. Flash forward however many years, and these pains, memories, and hurt are in the past. When I brought up the Ernie thing it brought back those shitty feelings. I felt just like the little boy, who had x or y or z feelings. This is all, nothing more beyond that. The process of being rejected by a family member was enough to bring back all these feelings and emotions I thought I dealt with better. I in no way think anyone besides Ernie has rejected me.

Now to deal with who and who did not go to the cabin, at first this was painful, but time goes on and isn’t a big deal. I wanted a bit of space at first because my feelings were hurt and I didn’t want to get into it with anyone, or have the topic brought up and snap at that person. The point I was trying to make which no one seemed to understand was the cabin ordeal was the tipping of the first domino. There were many things and many feelings that happened after the cabin incident. The point I was trying to make is the cabin drama was not the end all be all it was the start of shitty things upon shitty things, that I don’t believe you know anything about.

I wanted to say my peace about the cabin and I wanted to do it on the same format in which Ernie found the backing to bar me from his property. The one thing I will not do is apologize for being me and I will not apologize on the platform I chose to express myself. This blog was highly therapeutic for me. When I was a constant writer I had an outlet to get shit out. The problem is this blog became first in my writing priority list and I needed to change that in order to focus on other shit. As for what my children may or may not think about my writing is a non-issue because the author name behind this is not my real name. If I chose to start writing in this again I would start a new blog with my pen name so there is absolutely nothing coming back to who I am or those in my life.

Lets look at family becoming just a number. When I hit the last straw that caused me to completely lose it I went back to not being able to handle my feelings which become so intense I experience pain. When I get like this my mind is consumed with ending it all. I sent a text to my family and friends and I said my peace. Once I said what needed to be said I completely cleaned out my phone. The concept of turning everyone into numbers was symbolic in my quest to cut any feelings behind these numbers. It was an attempt to work through the things I hold onto in this world that keeps me from letting go. I was in no way trying to disown anyone in my family I was trying to say goodbye and let you all know that I love you. The next day when this was not enough I went back to the plan of making everyone hate me. My logic is if I push everyone away and they hate me then if I ended it no one would care because I burnt my bridges. I think if you listen to “Hate Me” by Blue October they may say it better than I can. Let me repeat myself I was in no way DISOWNING anyone.

I cannot count the number of times I have gotten to the point of unbearable pain where I just can’t handle life. I am in one of those places right now. There are only two things that keep me chugging alone. The first is how my departure from pain will affect those I love. I use a utilitarian form of decision making. I weigh the prospects of if everyone would be better off without me or not. In my last analysis I figured that the short amount of pain that my death would cause is not as bad as the pain I would cause if I were gone. So I managed to handle that hurdle. I said my goodbyes deleted everyone and shut my phone off. I had been eating one of my pills for anxiety like it was candy. I am already prescribed one of the max doses of 3,600mg a day. In my attempt to ease my pain I was up into the 10,000 to 12,000mg range. I can’t say whether I was trying to end it all or if I was just trying to make myself numb and if in my attempt to make myself numb I accidentally overdosed than that would have been a plus. The other thing that keeps me from following through is my fear of the unknown. These two things should be no surprise to anyone because I have written about it many times over.

I feel bad over the response and feelings this has caused those that I love. I think many things were misconstrued and everyone took this small piece and made that the center issue. Because of my attempt to push those away who love me I am sure I will burn bridges to the point where relationships are un-repairable. This is the part of me that is self loathing and feels he is unworthy of love. I am not using this as an excuse for what I did just trying to say where all this comes from.

Now some may wonder where this whole thing will end up. I can’t answer that question, perhaps some of my family members have already made that choice and when the time comes for better or worse I will have to live with that. It is unfortunate that life is not a fairy tale. It is sad that we do not live in a “Family Ties” world. I know the things I have said, and I know the things I have heard over all this. I respect people’s feelings, but like my words may burn bridges so may others. Unfortunately there are some relationships that are un-repairable. This is a sad reality on both ends. This whole response is done under a pen name, but your comments are not. If you wish this to stay “private” then probably not a good idea to reply.

In response to an apology letter to Ernie that just is what it is and along with other stances and comments…….it just is what it is. I am positive there are many things and many life milestones that haven’t been visited on both sides. It is not as if I would ever think or expect you to show up for AJ graduation. Like I said it is what it is.

I know I have not hit on every point and someday would be happy to discuss if that is ever an option. My phone will be turned off more than it will be on. I do love all those in my family regardless if we have a relationships or not. I cannot deny that we are bonded by blood. We will always be united, but reality is relationships grow closer, and relationships drift apart. It is just a matter on both sides whether we choose to let those people into our lives.

I left this place long ago, but felt it needed to return to the thread that weaves my stability. It’s funny how therapeutic it is to bare your soul for anyone and everyone to see, but it is also funny to witness how destructive it can be. I have been reminded of both of these dualities as of late.

When I started this blog 20 or so months ago I started it as an extension of my dream of becoming a writer. I had just recently published a poetry book, and figured having a blog would further my career by brining in new fans. As time went this blog became the glue of my sanity. Being able to say my thoughts and opinions in their truest forms helped me cope with the truth and reality of what I really am. I was warned by those around me that being so open and candid will only lead to problems, but I ignored this advice not ever imagining my thoughts and opinions would ever lead to rejection and sorrow. I should have listened to those much wiser than myself because my words, my thoughts, my feelings and my everything led to the most gut wrenching type of rejection that a human being can endure and this is the rejection by family.

Every year we have a family reunion up at my Uncle Ernie’s place and it is a grand old time. The time spent there with my family is meaningful and memorable. I hold a very thin string connection with my family and this place and this time is one of the few moments where it doesn’t feel like there is an invisible void separating us. We were unable to go last year due to finances, and we were hoping but unsure again about going this year due to the same reasons. My kids always get bummed because they enjoy going there. I found it odd how we didn’t receive an invitation last year and we didn’t receive an invitation this year. This oddity was revealed to me about a month or so ago, and this information would set off a string of events, feelings, realizations, and over all shittyness that cannot be forgotten and can never be taken back.

The reason I wasn’t receiving invitations and the reason my mom sat at my house two months ago trying to hint us away from going to the cabin was because we were not invited to this family affair. Truth be told Ernie the person who hosts the event does not want me on his property. Not only am I not wanted but I am not welcomed. I am not sure which one is worse being not welcomed or not wanted?? Not only am I not welcomed and not wanted but my wife and kids are not neither welcomed nor wanted. Needless to say this news totally fucked my emotions and fucked my mind. I am not going to go into some deep sob story of my childhood emotional trauma, but rejection by family cuts pretty fucking deep. What’s double is as a byproduct of my rejection my wife and kids were rejected.

So why may you ask were we handed down verdicts of not being wanted or welcomed or worthy of sharing in the merriment of family? Why does Ernie not want us there? The answer is my blog. Apparently my thoughts, opinions, and my struggle with mental illness were too much for Ernie to deal with. He fears that I may infect his family with my illness and beliefs. You see Ernie is a religious man a Catholic in fact and my opinions on religion deeply offended him, as well as my many other writings including my opinions on the legalization of drugs, and my struggle with MI. These things bothered him so much that he felt the need to keep over 250 of my posts and even tried to use them as proof and evidence of my blasphemy as if I was on trial. I know my thought process and my views do not fall into the social norm, but for a family member to cast me out for this and for being me is as painful now as it was when I was ten, and when I was eleven, and when I was twelve…. You get the point.

As much as I want to right now I will not spew out my feelings towards this man. The e-mail I sent to him says everything I needed to say. It was short, simple, and to the point. I should also note that when he was conversing back and forth with the family he used this e-mail as evidence and justification for his bigotry. For a man of such strong faith he completely misses the moral and ethical lessons his Holy book teaches. There is no man who can judge me. This is up to God and God alone. Judge not lest you be judged, or some shit like that. I just have one thing to say to Mr. Ernie.

You cannot produce an e-mail and some blog posts to justify you being a bigot. You are worried about me infecting your children but truth be told I am the same now as I have ever been and every time I have been up there I keep these things to myself. I have never infected them, so part of your logic is a farce. I will say this though. I would never want my children exposed to someone so close minded and judgmental. I do not want my children even exposed to the concept of bigotry let alone to be exposed to one. We may not agree on a shit load of topics, but the difference between you and me is I am not intolerant of your beliefs and ideas. I would never reject you as a person for believing differently as I do. The inquisitions died long ago… Let it go. I want you to rest comfortably knowing there is a possibility that one day I will be burning in a lake of fire and torment for eternity with lets say gay people and everyone else you are intolerant of. I would gladly suffer hanging out in hell with homosexuals and pot smokers than experiencing eternal life knowing I would have to share heaven with people like you. You are the perfect example for why people are growing away from religion. I will leave you with the same message as the e-mail I sent you…

Dear Ernie,

Go fuck yourself you narrow minded judgmental prick.

Love Tim

Now I should state that this message may be harsh and may not be mature, but when time expires I would be sick with regret not having the opportunity to say those things. I am sure there will be disapproval and anger from those in my family, but they have become numbers with no names.

This event set off a string of domino events that led to this dayWednesday July 13, 2011. The amazing undeniable truth behind dominoes is once you knock that first one down you can’t stop it and you can’t take it back.

The thought and action to start this blog and be true and honest, led to this man rejecting me in one of the cruelest ways. These two actions led to my mother standing up and defending me tooth and nail with an action of protest that spoke louder than the million dollar march. This protest led to non-protest, which led to strained and broken relationships, which led to out of control OCD, which led to failure, which led to devastation, which led to truth, which led to denial of truth, which led to acceptance.

As I said in the beginning I started this blog because I had big dreams that with the publication of my poetry book that I would become some known poet whose words and essence were read by many. I started and paid for a website to help promote my poetry and this blog. I had to accept and come to the realization that this was a pointless and futile dream. My poetry and my words never became a reality, and I had to accept and face that they never would. I accepted this nobly and just continued to write in this blog, and everything seemed grand. The audience I was writing to would get larger and larger as time passed, and it appeared in part I was accomplishing something I had set out to achieve. I would never find riches by being a blogger, but my voice would be heard.

I made the decision awhile back that I should stop writing in this blog to pursue my dream of becoming a professional writer by focusing on my children books. I managed to lie and fool myself for sometime that this dream could somehow become a reality, but in reality this is deluded. I have done nothing with my life and I have managed to accomplish more than nothing. My loved ones have always worried about me losing touch with reality. They will do what they can to point out where I am going wrong and what have you, but they did and said nothing as I pointlessly pursued this false hope of achieving something. To honestly think that I could become published is complete insanity. Did no one step in because they think “well hey at least Tim isn’t delusional.” Or “hey at least Tim can’t hurt anyone.” These people let me stew in a false reality giving me false hope. This is a cruel fucking joke! I sat here for the last few months working my ass off and pouring my dreams and aspirations into this thing. I created struggles in my life thinking this should be a priority because this could become a tool to give my family a better life. That if I was able to achieve this then all of a sudden I would be transformed from a nothing into a somebody. You know what I have finally accepted reality and truth that in the real world there is no fucking fairy tales, there is only truth. I just wish one person in my life who ever proclaimed to give a shit about me would have been honest and said “hey Tim you know what… your not really good at writing.”

The thing I find funny is I stopped writing in this blog, and I completely stopped writing poetry. I did this because of the kids books and the fear that if an agent or publisher saw this blog it would influence their decision in a negative way. I essentially sold myself out. I tried to exchange the real Tim for a better model. I have always been labeled a runner. Someone who runs away instead of dealing with things. I think I run away from excepting who and what I truly am. I do my best to wrap myself in lies, and only rarely does someone hold up a mirror and forces me to see who I really am.

Whatever done rambling on and on in a pointless dialog. I apologize for the flow of this post. I am just free writing and not really paying attention to wording and sentence structure. It felt good to drop in and be honest to myself and anyother readers I have left. The sad but unavoidable truth in life is we can never say everything that needs to be said. We come and we go leaving holes that could have only been filled with words unsaid. The only thing a person can do is to make sure they use their voice to fill as many of these holes before the journey ends. Think for a moment on something you have always wanted to say, but never did. Find the courage to say those things today. Fill that hole inside of you and inside of them so you can achieve peace. Yesterday was my liberation from things unsaid. I experienced and felt the process of death and re-birth. I felt the cancer I have left on peoples lives fade away when everyone became just a number.

We have a highly intelligent but unmotivated fifteen year old boy, and getting him to take school seriously is damn near impossible. No matter how many times we try to sit him down and explain the far reaching consequences of not taking school seriously, he just won’t hear it. The sad part, as I mentioned before, is he is highly intelligent and if he were to just buckle down and try he would be pulling in straight A’s. I think if I knew he was not all that bright I could handle the grades he is bringing home now. The question is how do we motivate him, and get him to see that his actions now will affect him many years down the road?

We have asked him several times what he wants to do when he gets older, and he has said since the age of seven he wants to be in the military, beyond that he has no real career goals.  I am sure this is normal, but you would think he could at least throw out a few different ideas. He seems to only be interested in football, working out, video games, and television/movies. I do consider us lucky that he is into these things, and not doing the horrible things I was doing at his age, but I know he can accomplish so much more than his mom and I ever could have.

We have talked to him about joining the ROTC program, where he goes to boot camp over the summer and is officially enlisted at the age of sixteen. This way he is already two years in before he even graduates. Apparently the way the program works he is able to go to college without ever being deployed. If he enjoys the service he could become a lifer and retire with full military pension and benefits. I think this could be his best road to success. If it were up to me all my kids would join the service before they head off to college.

I want the best for my children, and the last thing I want for them is to endure the struggle and stress that we have to go through due to our poor decision making. I do not want them to be thirty years old living with regrets of missed opportunities. He is only fifteen and completely unable to see the big picture which I am sure is very normal. We have tried almost everything to punish him for his poor grades, but he just adapts to the punishment and waits it out. When his grades in math and science began to slip in 7th grade, we took his games away it motivated him the first few times but after awhile it didn’t do anything. What seems to light a fire under his ass is when we do not allow him to go to weight training. We hate to use this because this is one of his healthy activities. Like most parents I just wish our words would get through to him. You always want your kids to learn from your mistakes, to take your words of wisdom to heart and believe and trust you enough that they listen so intently and perfectly. Getting a teenage boy to see how his Algebra 2 and science grades now, can affect his status and financial life in ten years is not possible.

My wife and I disagree on what steps we should take to try and rectify this problem. I believe if he continues to bring home bad grades, and continues to show an “I don’t give an F” attitude towards school, we need to bring the hammer down on him. I remember reading or listening to a show one time on parenting. The speaker was saying when you run into major issues with your children you need to “show” them all the things they have that they do not need. When you take these things away such as TV, internet, and video game privileges they will be motivated to rectify the problem so they can get their privileges back. As I mentioned earlier we have taken away his games, and this motivated him, but he quickly learned if we take the video games away he still has the television, iPod Touch, and internet. He uses these as substitutes when one is taken away. In my opinion the only way to drive the message home is to cut him off from all of these things, until he is able to right the ship. Our goal is to get him to spend more time studying so his grades can improve, but if he is allowed to continue to have these distracters in his life, he will never make it a priority to do these things.

My wife on the other hand believes that if we resort to such tactics, it will set off a chain reaction of rebellion. She also feels that even if we took these things away, because of his stubbornness he will accept the punishment, and still refuse to do the work needed. I sure I did not properly convey her exact feelings, which I hope she will clarify in the comments section.

Nicole has always taught him since a very young age, to be proud of whom you are, to not worry about pleasing others, but to stick to what you believe to be right and wrong, and to stand true to yourself. These are all wonderful lessons, but this has backfired on us, as he sure does stand true to what he believes in, “I will never use any of this stupid stuff anyway so what’s the point” damn kid.

As everyone is aware, I sent an e-mail to Satan last week (not the one I posted.) In this letter I clearly stated that Satan is to no longer use B’s sisters as bargaining chips to get B to see FF, and that under no circumstances is she allowed speaking to or seeing FF. I had this feeling all week that when Satan picked B up for their semi-monthly visit yesterday that Satan would surprised her by brining her to see FF and her sisters. So B left for her visit, and at 7pm I receive a text from Satan saying “just wanted to let you know that I brought FF and the girls to see B, and everything went fine.” The minute I read this I was consumed with such hatred and anger. I shouted out “I f’ing knew it!” I went and showed my wife the text, and we were both heated.

When B got home we asked her to come talk to us. We asked her if she knew FF was going to be there and she said no. We inquired further and asked how this whole thing came about. She said that Satan and her grandma picked her up and headed off to the Eden Prairie mall. When they got into the parking lot they told B that FF and the girls are inside and asked her if she wanted to go in and see them. At first Satan said that her grandma would take the sisters while she and FF talked to B, and that she might get to see her sisters. My daughter sat out there for 45 minutes and finally agreed as long as she was able to see her sisters the whole time, and that there is to be no talk of the past. After Satan asked FF for is permission on this, she agreed and off they went.

I am just really at a loss with this whole situation. I made it crystal clear to Satan that B is not allowed to see FF, and I feel like she did this out of spite and too show me that she can do whatever she wants. The last time I told her that B is not allowed seeing or speaking to FF; she told me “you can’t tell me what I can and can’t do on my visits.” I should have listened to my gut and just told her that B is no longer going to be allowed to go with her on visits anymore, and then we could deal with it in court. There are so many things about this situation which pisses me off, but the worst is that Satan and her grandma put B in a lose lose situation. All B wants is to see her sisters, she is sitting in the parking lot with her mom and grandma watching her waiting for her response, and her sisters are right inside. How do you put an 11 yr old child, your own daughter, in such a manipulative situation?

I am proud of B, that she told Satan that she wouldn’t go in unless she could see her sisters the whole time and that the past is not to be brought up, but she should never have been put into this situation to begin with. I am happy for B that after two and a half years she was finally able to see her sisters.

My wife thinks it is my job to stop this, to enforce my beliefs of B’s well being as her sole custody provider. She thinks I should contact the courts to find out what rights I have to enforce B not seeing FF. I think now that FF has seen B that I have nothing left to do but sit back and allow the FF/Satan family to do as they please with my daughter twice a month. This is only the beginning, now two Sunday’s a month will be spent at Satan house with FF, then it will be asking for B to spend the night Saturday nights prior to her scheduled Sunday’s , then it will be can we have B for a weekend. Then it will be Satan back in court asking for her parenting time back to every other weekend spent at their house. My wife thinks if we do not stop it now, and B has spent many of times with FF that we will have no ground to stand on. But if we stop it now we may be able to stop the snowball from rolling down the hill.

I am not sure what the proper next step to take is. I don’t know if I should not allow B to see her mom anymore. As I stated above the issue has always been that Satan was manipulating B and consistently hurting her. No matter how many times B told Satan that she wants to see her sisters, but not FF, Satan kept pushing, and dangling that carrot in front of her. Now that she has seen FF and her sisters then what am I trying to prevent? FF is going to always be on his best behavior until he realizes he can go back to mistreating her. I disagree with my wife on stopping the visits, because I would have no legs to stand on in court. It’s shitty that Satan put B into this tough situation, but I am also happy she was finally able to see her sisters. Maybe this is what I should be focusing on.

Satan,

I feel we need to put to rest the issue of our daughter (B,) her sisters, and F**k Face (FF). When B was in therapy, she opened up her true feelings. She has not worrying what she would say to us or to you. From those sessions the child psychologist gave her recommendation that B should not have anything to do with FF. When we sat in front of the referee in court and he asked you what future you saw with B, you indicated you wanted to work toward more time with her and you wanted her to be part of your family including FF. Referee M clearly stated that you need to focus much of your energy on you and B, on B and her sisters, but seeing FF was not an important piece to that, furthermore referee M indicated that if you wanted to create a better relationship with B it would be in your best interest to find a therapist that specializes in reunification, then down the line possibly FF could be involved, and only if B herself ever felt comfortable.

It is unfortunate that you feel you need to control B by using one of the worst times of her life against her by forcing her to have to “patch things up” with the person who caused her so much fear and pain that she no longer wanted to live in your home. If FF had beaten her, would you still feel she should work things out with him in order to see her sisters? If FF had raped her, would you still feel she should work things out with him in order to see her sisters? But because the pain he caused her was emotional and mental, that should simply be forgotten and swept away in order to please your and FF’s wants? By telling B that she will not see her sisters until they are 18, if she does not work things out with FF, is manipulative and just as emotionally hurtful to her as the original harm. You are simply de-validating her hurt and feelings by forcing her to be around someone she truly does not want to. What if you could only see B if my wife (N) and I were there with you the whole time, would you feel comfortable with that? Or you can see B once the three of us have sat down together worked out all our differences and all became best friends, then you could see her with us there, would that feel like a good compromise for you?

I wish B had the courage to tell you her truest of feelings, but she doesn’t. It doesn’t matter how many times you tell her she can be honest with you, she has made it clear she won’t do it. She told me about her phone conversation with you on Monday, and then her talk with FF. I have made it clear to you several times that she is to have no contact with FF. B Has made it clear she wants nothing to do with FF, yet you corner her in a situation where she has no choice but to speak with him. She fears that if she told you no that you would stop coming to see her. When we were talking to B she said well I guess it kind of makes sense a little if mom wants me to see her and FF first. Hear that “IF MOM WANTS ME” not what B wants, not her needs first. If in fact FF, and you, have changed why is it still what FF wants before your daughter? If in fact he has changed so much, what exactly is the harm in B seeing her sisters once a month for 4 hours? If he in fact changed and was sorry and loved her so much why would he still keep her away from her sisters? This does not sound like a man who has changed, or a man that loves her.

The things you BOTH are doing to B does not show remorse or love, it shows something so far from those things, yet you both still do it. Letting her see her sisters is not a separation of FF and his daughters that is the reality that you have a daughter that leads a separate life, should you choose to be a part of her life, then it is HER life you are entering it is not her entering YOUR life. You may want your whole family together Satan, but in reality that is not what B wants. After I quietly listened to B tell me the whole conversation with you and then with FF I asked her one thing, I said if your sisters did not exist would you WANT to see and work things out with FF. She looked at me, smiled a bit and said well NO. I find it funny how the minute I mention taking you to court you all of a sudden want a relationship with B, after you had just written her off. I find it funny that once child support became a reality all of a sudden FF wants to talk to B. My personal opinion is if it were not for child support FF would still not want anything to do with B, and I am sure you would still be out of her life. One of my theories for why you are manipulating her in this way has nothing to do with FF being “sorry” and “loving” B, but has everything to do with child support. I have a serious question to ask you; if I agreed to no longer collect child support from you in exchange for you never seeing B again would you take it? Or if I changed it and said I will suspend child support in exchange for B being able to see her sisters, and a guarantee she would never see FF again, would you take that? This is an honest serious proposition.   

B simply wants to know her sisters, I can not for the life of me, understand how you can feel it is right to keep that form her, dangle them in front of her to entice her to like your husband, that Satan is yet another example of why we are so very protective of B when it comes to all of this.

As her father and her sole physical guardian at this point in B’s life I am put in a position to make a decision, I don’t like to do this, I want B to feel like she has choices and learns how to make the right choices, but she is so easily manipulated by you and so badly wants to see her sisters that she is stuffing away all those hurt, sad, angry feelings in order to achieve this. I know this because she lets all those stuffed away feelings out to us, and we are the ones holding her for two hours while she sobs, and hurts, and hates you, and hates all of this, and worst of all hates that she was ever honest about FF, because if she had just taken it from him then none of this would have ever happened and she could see her sisters. She said something to me on Sunday that will stick with me for a very long time. She told me she hated her life. As a parent this is the worst thing you can hear coming from your child’s mouth. To me this broke my heart, but you will read this and think nothing of it, because you have only shown that you and your husband’s feelings come first and B’s last. You wonder why I have so much “hate in my heart” towards you, it is because your and FF’s actions has caused my daughter unspeakable pain. I love my children, and as a result I can hold no respect for somebody who has caused them so much suffering. As her parent I have to step in at this point and put a stop to this.

B is not allowed to be around FF at this point. Until either she attends some therapy, or we see that she and her feelings are being put first, and she is more emotionally stable on the situation. I will determine when that is based on what B shows us. It would be a very big gesture of change and love for B to be able to see her sisters once a month for 4 hours; this in no way will cause any damage to your daughter’s relationship with FF. I would assume the girls know they have a sister that lives with her dad, so seeing their sister once in a while is not some crazy emotionally harmful event; many many kids out there have the same type of family structure. If you decide that she can see the girls, please give us advanced warning of when you will bring them. If you decide that you still believe she should not see them then we will deal with that as B expresses her feelings about it. And if you decide she can not see them then I ask you, for B sake, do not discuss her sisters with her anymore, as she always comes home very upset after those discussions.

B is NOT allowed to speak to FF. You should have run that by me before you did it. If that happens again, or you continue to hang her sisters over her head in order to manipulate her, we will be going back to supervised phone conversations. If you continue to manipulate her using her sisters to see FF, then I will cut off all communication between you and her. Yes you were awarded to see B two Sundays a month and you can take me back to court, but I am sure Referee M will see your tactics for what they are. I wonder what he would think about you not letting her see her sisters for two years, after he chastised you for that very same decision. I wonder what he will say when you use her sisters as a manipulative bargaining chip in order for her to see FF, who is the last person she ever wants to see, and who her therapist and family members have stated she shouldn’t see him. I wonder what he will think when B asks you what if she doesn’t want to see FF, and your response is she will have to wait until they are 18. When she said she doesn’t want to see FF your response is “well you will just need to wait?”  I no longer want to continue this merry-go-round subject, make your decision and then let’s be done with this.

As for mothers day Satan, just because you are her biological mom doesn’t mean you are the “mom” in her life. N has and always will be the mom she turns to for anything and everything. You really need to earn that title, because you tossed that away long ago when you tossed aside your daughter like trash. You know very little about her life or who she is. You are not the one holding her when she is hurting; in fact you are the one causing these hurt feelings. N has been there for all those things, and N is the one along with me who needs to console her pain caused by her own mother. N knows everything about B in every way. This is what makes a mom, and sorry but you haven’t cut it for many years. The B you see for 8 hours a month is NOT the real B.

Finally you and FF claim to be religious, but what would Jesus or God think of what you are doing to your daughter which according to things you have said or wrote was in His name. Would God/Jesus approve of your and FF’s behavior??

“Remember there’s no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.”
Scott Adams 

This makes me think of the movies “Pay it Forward,” and “Evan Almighty,” which happens to be two of my top 200 movies of all time. I know you may be thinking 200 is an odd number to have, but it is what makes the most logical sense. “Pay it Forward” is great, because it shows the ripple effect over this one boys acts of kindness. It amazed me how many lives were changed over those three little actions. “Evan Almighty’s” primary message, is how we can all change the world with one act of random kindness at a time.  These movies made me think of what role I play in acts of kindness; besides “The Bucket List Foundation” I do very little to better my fellow man. I write about how greed keeps us from thinking about the needs of others in our society. I do not consider myself a greedy man, but I wonder why I do not practice what I preach.

I think one of the reasons for this, is I have not been in a position to really execute these acts of kindness. I am aware, that what I am in a position to do is acts of kindness towards my family, but I even find myself having trouble with this. My doctor says this can be attributed to my Anti-Social Personality Disorder. I actually had an opportunity to display an act of kindness, but I passed on the situation.

I went to get our morning coffee, and there was this younger gentleman with a makeshift duffle bag made from a bed sheet tied on all four sides. He said he needed a ride to Mystic Lake Casino, so he could catch a bus into downtown Minneapolis. He said he only had ten dollars on him, which wasn’t enough for the cab fare. He went on to say he had a pretty bad fight with his girlfriend, and he had to quickly get out of the house before there was a domestic violence issue. I honestly told him I just didn’t feel comfortable giving a ride to someone I didn’t know.

As I was preparing my coffee I kept thinking to myself that I should give him a ride to help him out, but then my other side was telling me this was a bad idea, because he could take my car and rob me, or possibly worse. I think this is a key reason why people hesitate to help out those in need. It saddens me to say but the society we live in today is violent, and void of morals. You really cannot tell who you can trust and who you can’t. I think because of this people are hesitant to do the right thing. It would have been so easy for me to do this guy a solid, but this voice in my head was telling me he can’t be trusted.

What interests me the most is the ripple effect random acts of kindness can have. It is amazing to me how the smallest things have such dramatic effects way beyond what we even realize. This makes me think of the butterfly effect, and how the most minor trivial changes can drastically change the future as we know it. It would be amazing to do a social study on what would happen if every citizen made it a priority to do one act of random kindness a day. Would this mass ripple effect alter the outcome of the human race? How much would our society be altered if we all made this a priority?

I want to do my part and better society and my fellow man, but I am at a loss for how to do it. I suppose this can be done through my foundation, or I can start looking for the smaller things. I believe the message in “Evan Almighty” was focused on how the main characters acts altered his family. Evan was so focused on his work that he neglected his family. In the end his journey was one of creating a stronger family unit. I stated earlier, how I am in a position to give these acts of kindness to my family. I think this is a great start, and in reality should be my top priority over anything else. I would imagine these acts towards my family would have a massive ripple effect, even more so than giving that guy a ride.

Now that I think about it, I do perform random acts of kindness, anytime I am on the floor in the nursing home. I go out of my way to interact with the residents here, and I always leave them with a smile on their face. I know I leave them with a feeling that they are valued. You would be amazed at how this vital human need is lacking in our nursing homes. I can do my part everyday I come to work, and in all my interactions throughout the day. I can do my part by strengthening my family unit, and by nurturing an environment built on unconditional love. Maybe this is the simplest way to change our world.    

God asks Evan “How do we change the world.” Evan answers “one single act of random kindness at a time.”

 Evan Almighty