Posts Tagged ‘fucking crazy’

Tomorrow morning I will be meeting my ARMS worker at Abbott Emergency room to go through the excruciating and frustrating process of trying to beds. Every time I have been hospitalized because of my PTSD it’s not safe for me to have a roommate. This is a big fear of mine that my wife has always been a strong advocate to ensure things go right. 

I have been in and out of the hospital 8 or 9 times in the past two years. The cycle ends up the same I am placed on a 72 hour hold I get in the hospital and have a breakdown because they lowered my prns then what they normally are. Now being heavily medicated the first two days is the only way to do it. So anyway the days pass I start to just want the fuck out of there so I lie and say all is good and they let me go. After 8 times maybe I am not doing something right, so we are going down the route of commitment to save myself from myself forcing me to fight it out and hope I leave with… hope. 

I am at the point of commitment because I can no longer care for myself, I was so depressed and when I found out my dad got my son a gun my mind immediately went to here is our way out. Long story short my dad looks for all his guns as I was trying to rush away and he ran out and took the gun from the car. I am now driving home with my son sleeping next to me without the comfort that soon I will be gone. I was angry I was upset I felt jaded yet again but driving four hours with my son and my thoughts I realized one of my motivations is I want my son to look up to me, and in my current state he has become more of a caretaker. I want to wake up in the morning and have my first thoughts of the day be one of hope and strength instead of death and despair. I have missed my set dates for departure several times. Perhaps I have some greater purpose buried beneath the rubble. 

I have a wonderful support group my wife, children, family, and those who become a family. It took losing unconditional love to discover what unconditional love is and appreciate those in my life who love unconditionally despite of my insanity I have a crew of people making sure I am all right. That alone is a gift many don’t have. My first attempt to seriously look at the problem get on the meds do the treatments whatever needs to be done so I can exit the womb of the mental hospital reborn into a better tomorrow. One can only hope. If I can I will journal during arts and crafts time to keep my progress posted… how narcissistic did that sound? I plan on writing during most of my free time. 

I figure if I can type a post as the time it takes another human being to make a macaroni necklace than perhaps I can use arts and crafts time to at least be able to free my mind all over the complicated interweb.