Posts Tagged ‘Fun’

In between projects, when feel uncreative I work on my upcoming book “The Life and Mind of No One Special.” This requires me to go back and edit my old posts and transfer them over into book form. In going back and reading these old posts I am stunned by how shitty they were written. I am almost ashamed I published these posts as they were, and I am even more surprised people have come back again to read it.

I started this blog back in January as a way to help keep my creativity juices flowing. I never really thought anyone would read it, so I just vomited all over the computer keys with my poorly thought posts. I have and still do write my posts during my lunch break; not a ton of thought goes into what I am going to write about. Something will come to my mind and I just go with it. I do not research my topic, nor do I go back and edit what I have written. Like I said earlier I never thought anyone would even see it.

I still follow this guideline; except now through practice I have learned a few things about writing. I still do not feel my writing is good especially when I read some of these talented writers out here. I have no formal writing training; I was not really around for school so basic sentence structure escapes me. My vocabulary is weak and I have no concept of grammar. This becomes apparent to me when I read posts by “The Rambling Taoist.” His ability to write is just mesmerizing. I like to think with another nine months of writing I will continue to get better. I know I have a long way to go, but I think it is a good sign I am able to see fault in my early posts.

I have thought about taking writing classes at my local community college; but this would simply not work. I do not have the time or the money to commit to such a thing. I know starting from square one and building on the basics would help me. I could always go enroll in my son’s elementary school, since public schools are free. I could just skip all my other classes. I don’t know what kind of role model I would be for my classmates and besides the principle would probably report me to the school cop for being truant. I could go purchase a writing or grammar book for dummies. The problem is when I try to read all the words become jumbled and it is hard for me to comprehend the material.

I just can’t figure out how to get better without knowing the basics. I think this is why I enjoy writing poetry because I can write anyway I want. I have had people praise and condemn me because I do not follow traditional poetry guidelines. The only poetry form I know is haikus. Beyond that I have nothing. I don’t think there should be guidelines or structure when it comes to poetry. I think poetry should be an open art form, and can be written exactly how the author intended it to be. I have found when painted in a box I cannot write for shit. This is why I enjoy this blog so much because there is no structure. This is a jumbled mess of random thoughts spewing from my brain. These two mediums define me as a person.

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Statistics show people who say “at least I have my health,” are nine times more likely to get cancer.

If I could learn how to play any guitar; it would be one with strings.

A high five a day keeps the blues away.

Sometimes I turn left just because the sign tells me not to.

The longest point between A to B is a conversation with children and the elderly.

Those who say the grass isn’t greener on the other side have never been there.

I wonder if it would motivate me to lose weight if instead of “XL” my shirt size said “Your Fat.”

Sometimes I think if I didn’t have a job I would be unemployed.

I don’t think Jerry Maguire would have gotten away with stealing those fish.

If the last shall be first and the first shall be last where does that leave the middle class?

Just once I would like to experience the “slow clap” like in the movie “Rudy,” and “Lucas.”

What’s the difference between pooping at home and pooping at work? At home I am filled with pride; at work I am overcome with shame.

10. “I was granted a weekend pass from the workhouse.”

9. “Be quite you’ll wake my mom and dad”
8. “Could I borrow $20.00 for a lap dance?”
7. “Don’t worry it cleared up a month ago”
6. “My last girlfriend wasn’t very good at cooking meth”
5. “I would have taken you to a nicer place, but after seeing you I clearly couldn’t afford it”
4. “My boss told me if I work really hard, in a year I’ll be promoted to the drive thru window!”
3. “I lied to my Doctor, now I am able to go to the methadone clinc, so I got that going for me”
2. “You remind me of my mother; God she was such a bitch!”
1. “You’re so beautiful; I really can’t wait to choke the shit out of you”

Have we as humans de-evolved? Have we lost intelligence over the years? I think corporations assume we have. This last weekend I noticed a few messages which were placed on certain products. I giggled to myself, because the messages were so ridiculous I wondered why the company felt the need to place them on their product.

The first product I noticed was a case of water. On the package in large letters it stated “Purified water.” Okay nothing wrong with this, it was the message underneath that caused me to giggle; the message stated “For Drinking.” I thought to my self. “What else would people mistake this for?” The water came in twenty ounce bottles, so it was clear; this product was meant for quenching my thirst. I also had a hunch this water was for the purpose of drinking, since I purchased it for said purpose.

I wonder if there are people out there that have bought this product with the intention of bathing, and complained to the company the water was not hot enough. Could there have been people who attempted to water their lawn, who also complained there was not enough liquid to cover their entire lawn. This is the first time I ever noticed such a message. The case of water I have in my office does not have this message so I just don’t get it.

Product two; is a bag of charcoal. We were barbecuing over the weekend and I noticed a message on the bag, which was informative. The message stated “Burning charcoal inside can kill you. It gives off carbon monoxide which has no odor.” I had no idea burning charcoal contained carbon monoxide. I would never burn it inside, nor would I stand over the grill and inhale the smoke. Irregardless the information was helpful, this was not the message which made me think, under this message was another one. “NEVER burn charcoal inside homes, vehicles or tents.”

I think this message is unnecessary. I thought the first part of the message was clear, even if I had the notion to grill inside, I now know it could kill me. The company assumes we may not have gotten the message in the beginning. They had to capitalize never, and advise us to again not to burn inside our homes, but just incase we might try to grill elsewhere they added our cars of tents. Really! Why would anyone grill inside after they read it could kill them? Regardless of this message, what dumbass would grill in their car, or tent? Why would anyone grill in their car when they have a place with more room…called outside? Furthermore; considering charcoal causes fire, and tents are…well flamable. Armed with this logic, what kind of genius would voluntarily grill inside their tent?

Product 3; I was in the restroom and there was a hand towel dispenser. This dispenser had just enough paper towel for someone to grab and pull. There was no handle to crank, or sensor. The situation seems simple; one should grab the towel and pull, but oh no we are far to stupid for that. On the dispenser it shows a picture of hands grabbing the towel, with a message “Grab paper towel with hands and pull.” I appreciate the company who manufactured this for such informative information, you know just incase I had a hard time figuring it out.

Is our society losing intelligence? The english language is already crumbling, not because Americans are not required to learn the language, but because of spell check and texting. Case in point I received a text from a friend last night, he replaced what with wut! Is it really to hard to add one fucking word? I would imagine company’s need to put such messages on products to avoid being sued, like when you buy coffee and the message  on the cup says “Caution: Contents Hot!” Oh yes they felt they needed to add an exclamation point, so they could really get the message. I now know for sure my coffee is hot, without the exclamation point; I may have just disregarded their message as not really that important.

I am certain our society’s intelligence has decreased. We raise our children on Nickelodeon, and send them to underfunded public schools; teaching far too inferior material compared to other nations. We need to realize; the youth of today will someday lead us. It is a shame a once great country has fallen so far.

Remember building forts when you were a kid? You could throw some blankets over various pieces of furniture crawl inside and  you just built a fort. I always loved to do that when I was a kid. I would bring my stuffed up animals inside the fort, or some G.I. Joes and be content for hours. When my childhood friend Andrew and I had sleepovers we would build forts that seemed so massive, but in reality were rather small.

I was sitting at the computer trying to get some writing done, my son who is out of daycare for two weeks was constantly in my ear. It was becoming impossible to concentrate and get any work done. I decided to grab a couple blankets and make a little fort he could play in. I canvass the area trying to see how logistically I could use the end table two blankets and some cushions and turn it into a play area. I tried different things, moved the end table here and there, trying to get the cushions and blankets to stay in place.

I succeeded in building a small little fort he could crawl in. I watched him go in and out, but I realized he would soon grow board of basically laying under some suspended blankets. I looked it over and said “This simply will not do.” I came to a realization that I must construct the grandest fort in all the world. I looked over our entertainment room. We had so much space, which means endless possibilities. I moved some furniture around. I grabbed the large dog kennel, this would be used as support, and provide a nice place to hide. I knew I needed more blankets than just these two to create my masterpiece.

I tell Dylan “Gather every blanket in this house.” We ran to every room and stripped every bed, and carried them down to the basement. We grabbed the beanbag, and every pillow in the house, These were brought down into the entertainment  room. I had my roofing materials, but there was so much space; I needed more walls. We grabbed Brianna’s bed and brought it into the room. I moved it here and there, trying to make it work. I again said to myself “This simply won’t do.”

We needed more walls, so we ran up to Dylan’s room to grab his mattress. We needed support for the mattress so we grabbed a bench, and some boxes from under the stairs. I positioned my walls and support beams throughout the room. I stood there with a great pride. I looked at the 13 blankets laying on the floor, and thought to myself “Self. How am I going to get these blankets to stay?”

I realized I needed nails, but if I used real nails my wife would beat me when she got home. The next best thing was those push-pin things. Armed with nails I was ready to rock. I stretched the blankets from here to there, nailing them into the wall, and using weights on the various support beams. Dylan was trying his best to help me and give me ideas, I was so in a zone and his ideas made no sense. I did not want to crush his spirit by being honest to him, so I tried to distract him Jedi style. It was kind of like when I “helped” him carve a pumpkin, but that is a story for another time.

Two in a half hours later the grandest fort was built. This fort  consisted of our entire entertainment room. The only part of te room that is not covered under blankets is a small path, which leads to the computer desk. Dylan and I went in to explore our massive fort. We  went through the twists and the turns, we discovered five separate rooms with enough space to play, and one room which was so massive the whole family could sleep in. 

I felt like this was one of my greatest achievements. The set up was great I could get some writing done and watch the basketball games. It was an amazing sight, I looked across the room and saw a sea of blankets, with the T.V. hung on the wall. There was one minor problem the blankets covered the cable box, and surround sound system.

With a smile on my face I began to write….. Fifteen minutes later Dylan was bored with it.