Posts Tagged ‘Funny’

In my lifetime I have had many embarrassing moments, many of these moments are funny to me now, but were devastating to me at the time. I would like to share a few of these embarrassing moments to hopefully bring a smile to your face, at my expense of course! As a child and teenager I tried so hard to fit in and be popular. In this quest I have done some silly stuff in the name of popularity. Many of these moments took place when I was younger.

In the 90’s Guess jeans were really popular. My older sister, Traci, had a pair of these “cool” jeans, however I did not. When it came to name brand clothes we often went without. I went to school in Bloomington were popularity was based off what you had, or in my case what you did not have.  The night before school I was getting my clothes ready for the next day and I saw Traci’s “cool” jeans sitting on her floor. I secretly took them and put them in my room for the next day. I woke up the next morning and pulled on these “cool” guess jeans. Ya they were tight, but that was how Traci wore them so that was cool, right?!?!? I specifically tucked in my t-shirt so that you could see the Guess triangle on my butt!! I swaggered my ass to school thinking I was the shit. Not too long into my school day some random kid came up to me and said, why are you wearing girl jeans….boys have green triangles and girls had red. I was mortified. How the hell was I supposed to know that there was gender color Guess jeans. I un-tucked my t-shirt to hide the shame of a red triangle on my ass!!! Stupid name brand clothes.

I wanted to do my hair for school, it was a bit longer and it was always just boring. I saw other boys my age with gelled hair. My mom said she would help me style my hair in the morning for school. We woke up, got out the gel and hairspray, and went to town. She gelled the sides back, sculpted the top, it stood  up and then leaned to the side, then she sprayed the shit out of my hair with that aerosol cement hairspray. I trusted my mommy when she said I looked so good. Off to school I went with my fresh new hairstyle. Apparently the other kids did not agree with my mommy and they thought I looked like I had Elvis Presley hair. I bowed my head in shame and tried to make it thru the day ignoring the laughter. Thanks mom J

Boys will be boys, especially pre-pubescent boys who watch late night TV infomercials for FREE phone calls to beautiful women who will talk to them…… it said it was FREE!! So, when I could, I would sneak into my sister’s room cuddle up on her water bed, and call my new friends who had very nice and interesting messages for me.  IT WAS FREE the commercials said…. Until the day my mom opened the phone bill and there was a $3000.00 bill for overseas phone calls. The worst part is being a 12 year old boy having to tell your mom that you called phone sex lines…. Sorry mom!!

Vanilla Ice was very popular at this time; because of him it was radical to shave signs or letters into your head. So Traci being the 16 year old cool sister said she could shave my initials in the back of my head for me. I thought she was so awesome and could do anything, including shaving letters in the back of heads, silly me. So she proceeded to take the shaver out and shave “TL” in my head. I was pumped, now the popular kids who danced to Vanilla Ice would accept me. I got up looked in the mirror and she had shaved what looked like a house in my head!!! I told Traci it did not look like TL, she assured me from the back it was just fine, she told me it was cool. I foolishly believed her and proceeded to go to school like this. Note, never believe your older sister when she says she can make you look cool!!! Ya, you guessed it I was ridiculed in school, no Vanilla Ice kids danced with me that day.

Remember when Reebok pumps were really popular. All the popular boys had them, and I am pretty sure that is how they got all the popular girls. I begged my mom to get me some of these awesome pumps. She finally conceded and went to buy me some Pumps. Low and behold she found a deal, shoes that had a pump on them, but were not the actual Reebok pumps. Who would know the difference right! When she got home I was a bit disappointed but I agreed with my all knowing mom, who would know the difference. Once again I saunter to school thinking I am now the “shit”. Guess what, people knew the difference. Boys came up to me, squeezed my fake pump and said “Hey Tim are they pumping your feet up, are they , are they pumping up?” then they laughed…don’t worry I am working this out in therapy!!

I hit a point in my preteen years that I thought I was “gangster” , ya hard to believe, right!!  So I wore the baggy sagging jeans, the big sweatshirts, and the Starter brand jackets. And yes, I walked with a gangsta’ limp!! But the best part was my white slip on ked tennis shoes that I proceeded to draw gang signs on. This was the year my wife and I met and became friends.  She would come over to my place, point, laugh, and ridicule me for the gangster signs on my shoes. I really thought it was cool, but I also thought baggy pants and Starter jackets were cool, so my cool-dar was not spot on!!

These are but some of my embarrassing moments as a child, believe me there are many more. In my quest to be cool in the end I always seemed to look like a fool.

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  1. Grabbing a gat and going rat a tat tat is the proper way to solve a problem.
  2. When contemplating money it is advised to roll down the street and smoke Indo while sipping on some gin and juice. This is guaranteed to make you laid back.
  3. Apparently to have a “good day” you must not see a jacker, there must be no helicopters looking for a murder, and not having to use my AK. According to this I have NEVER had a good day.
  4. I have learned to respect all those who break their neck to keep their hoes in check.
  5. I think I am lonely because I keep renewing my membership into sharing Other Peoples Property. I have to remember there is no room for relationships there’s only room to hit it. I just wish this membership had an insurance plan for STD’s.
  6. I will throw my hands in the air from time-to-time just to remind my co-workers I am a true playa.
  7. To get the biatches you must: creep from behind, ask who you want to be with, what your interests are, what number to dial, then tell them I am going to call my crew..they should call their crew, then we will rendezvous… then at the rendezvous tell the ladies that they should be havin’ my babies.
  8. I try my hardest to not get my monkey ass played by hanging out with a true crew down with the coochie bang.
  9. I learned complex mathematic riddles such as: Do I have enough hands If I were to have my hands on a sawed off shotgun hand on the pump. My left hand is on the forty where I am puffin on a blunt, while simultaneously pumping said shotgun.
  10. It feels good to be a gangsta for the following reasons:
  • They always have a hip cap
  • They think deep
  • They are us 365 a year 24/7
  • Bitches look at them as a stop sign
  • They hit switches in a black six-fo

Statistics show people who say “at least I have my health,” are nine times more likely to get cancer.

If I could learn how to play any guitar; it would be one with strings.

A high five a day keeps the blues away.

Sometimes I turn left just because the sign tells me not to.

The longest point between A to B is a conversation with children and the elderly.

Those who say the grass isn’t greener on the other side have never been there.

I wonder if it would motivate me to lose weight if instead of “XL” my shirt size said “Your Fat.”

Sometimes I think if I didn’t have a job I would be unemployed.

I don’t think Jerry Maguire would have gotten away with stealing those fish.

If the last shall be first and the first shall be last where does that leave the middle class?

Just once I would like to experience the “slow clap” like in the movie “Rudy,” and “Lucas.”

What’s the difference between pooping at home and pooping at work? At home I am filled with pride; at work I am overcome with shame.

10. “I was granted a weekend pass from the workhouse.”

9. “Be quite you’ll wake my mom and dad”
8. “Could I borrow $20.00 for a lap dance?”
7. “Don’t worry it cleared up a month ago”
6. “My last girlfriend wasn’t very good at cooking meth”
5. “I would have taken you to a nicer place, but after seeing you I clearly couldn’t afford it”
4. “My boss told me if I work really hard, in a year I’ll be promoted to the drive thru window!”
3. “I lied to my Doctor, now I am able to go to the methadone clinc, so I got that going for me”
2. “You remind me of my mother; God she was such a bitch!”
1. “You’re so beautiful; I really can’t wait to choke the shit out of you”