Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

In my lifetime I have had many embarrassing moments, many of these moments are funny to me now, but were devastating to me at the time. I would like to share a few of these embarrassing moments to hopefully bring a smile to your face, at my expense of course! As a child and teenager I tried so hard to fit in and be popular. In this quest I have done some silly stuff in the name of popularity. Many of these moments took place when I was younger.

In the 90’s Guess jeans were really popular. My older sister, Traci, had a pair of these “cool” jeans, however I did not. When it came to name brand clothes we often went without. I went to school in Bloomington were popularity was based off what you had, or in my case what you did not have.  The night before school I was getting my clothes ready for the next day and I saw Traci’s “cool” jeans sitting on her floor. I secretly took them and put them in my room for the next day. I woke up the next morning and pulled on these “cool” guess jeans. Ya they were tight, but that was how Traci wore them so that was cool, right?!?!? I specifically tucked in my t-shirt so that you could see the Guess triangle on my butt!! I swaggered my ass to school thinking I was the shit. Not too long into my school day some random kid came up to me and said, why are you wearing girl jeans….boys have green triangles and girls had red. I was mortified. How the hell was I supposed to know that there was gender color Guess jeans. I un-tucked my t-shirt to hide the shame of a red triangle on my ass!!! Stupid name brand clothes.

I wanted to do my hair for school, it was a bit longer and it was always just boring. I saw other boys my age with gelled hair. My mom said she would help me style my hair in the morning for school. We woke up, got out the gel and hairspray, and went to town. She gelled the sides back, sculpted the top, it stood  up and then leaned to the side, then she sprayed the shit out of my hair with that aerosol cement hairspray. I trusted my mommy when she said I looked so good. Off to school I went with my fresh new hairstyle. Apparently the other kids did not agree with my mommy and they thought I looked like I had Elvis Presley hair. I bowed my head in shame and tried to make it thru the day ignoring the laughter. Thanks mom J

Boys will be boys, especially pre-pubescent boys who watch late night TV infomercials for FREE phone calls to beautiful women who will talk to them…… it said it was FREE!! So, when I could, I would sneak into my sister’s room cuddle up on her water bed, and call my new friends who had very nice and interesting messages for me.  IT WAS FREE the commercials said…. Until the day my mom opened the phone bill and there was a $3000.00 bill for overseas phone calls. The worst part is being a 12 year old boy having to tell your mom that you called phone sex lines…. Sorry mom!!

Vanilla Ice was very popular at this time; because of him it was radical to shave signs or letters into your head. So Traci being the 16 year old cool sister said she could shave my initials in the back of my head for me. I thought she was so awesome and could do anything, including shaving letters in the back of heads, silly me. So she proceeded to take the shaver out and shave “TL” in my head. I was pumped, now the popular kids who danced to Vanilla Ice would accept me. I got up looked in the mirror and she had shaved what looked like a house in my head!!! I told Traci it did not look like TL, she assured me from the back it was just fine, she told me it was cool. I foolishly believed her and proceeded to go to school like this. Note, never believe your older sister when she says she can make you look cool!!! Ya, you guessed it I was ridiculed in school, no Vanilla Ice kids danced with me that day.

Remember when Reebok pumps were really popular. All the popular boys had them, and I am pretty sure that is how they got all the popular girls. I begged my mom to get me some of these awesome pumps. She finally conceded and went to buy me some Pumps. Low and behold she found a deal, shoes that had a pump on them, but were not the actual Reebok pumps. Who would know the difference right! When she got home I was a bit disappointed but I agreed with my all knowing mom, who would know the difference. Once again I saunter to school thinking I am now the “shit”. Guess what, people knew the difference. Boys came up to me, squeezed my fake pump and said “Hey Tim are they pumping your feet up, are they , are they pumping up?” then they laughed…don’t worry I am working this out in therapy!!

I hit a point in my preteen years that I thought I was “gangster” , ya hard to believe, right!!  So I wore the baggy sagging jeans, the big sweatshirts, and the Starter brand jackets. And yes, I walked with a gangsta’ limp!! But the best part was my white slip on ked tennis shoes that I proceeded to draw gang signs on. This was the year my wife and I met and became friends.  She would come over to my place, point, laugh, and ridicule me for the gangster signs on my shoes. I really thought it was cool, but I also thought baggy pants and Starter jackets were cool, so my cool-dar was not spot on!!

These are but some of my embarrassing moments as a child, believe me there are many more. In my quest to be cool in the end I always seemed to look like a fool.

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  1. Grabbing a gat and going rat a tat tat is the proper way to solve a problem.
  2. When contemplating money it is advised to roll down the street and smoke Indo while sipping on some gin and juice. This is guaranteed to make you laid back.
  3. Apparently to have a “good day” you must not see a jacker, there must be no helicopters looking for a murder, and not having to use my AK. According to this I have NEVER had a good day.
  4. I have learned to respect all those who break their neck to keep their hoes in check.
  5. I think I am lonely because I keep renewing my membership into sharing Other Peoples Property. I have to remember there is no room for relationships there’s only room to hit it. I just wish this membership had an insurance plan for STD’s.
  6. I will throw my hands in the air from time-to-time just to remind my co-workers I am a true playa.
  7. To get the biatches you must: creep from behind, ask who you want to be with, what your interests are, what number to dial, then tell them I am going to call my crew..they should call their crew, then we will rendezvous… then at the rendezvous tell the ladies that they should be havin’ my babies.
  8. I try my hardest to not get my monkey ass played by hanging out with a true crew down with the coochie bang.
  9. I learned complex mathematic riddles such as: Do I have enough hands If I were to have my hands on a sawed off shotgun hand on the pump. My left hand is on the forty where I am puffin on a blunt, while simultaneously pumping said shotgun.
  10. It feels good to be a gangsta for the following reasons:
  • They always have a hip cap
  • They think deep
  • They are us 365 a year 24/7
  • Bitches look at them as a stop sign
  • They hit switches in a black six-fo

Statistics show people who say “at least I have my health,” are nine times more likely to get cancer.

If I could learn how to play any guitar; it would be one with strings.

A high five a day keeps the blues away.

Sometimes I turn left just because the sign tells me not to.

The longest point between A to B is a conversation with children and the elderly.

Those who say the grass isn’t greener on the other side have never been there.

I wonder if it would motivate me to lose weight if instead of “XL” my shirt size said “Your Fat.”

Sometimes I think if I didn’t have a job I would be unemployed.

I don’t think Jerry Maguire would have gotten away with stealing those fish.

If the last shall be first and the first shall be last where does that leave the middle class?

Just once I would like to experience the “slow clap” like in the movie “Rudy,” and “Lucas.”

What’s the difference between pooping at home and pooping at work? At home I am filled with pride; at work I am overcome with shame.

10. “I was granted a weekend pass from the workhouse.”

9. “Be quite you’ll wake my mom and dad”
8. “Could I borrow $20.00 for a lap dance?”
7. “Don’t worry it cleared up a month ago”
6. “My last girlfriend wasn’t very good at cooking meth”
5. “I would have taken you to a nicer place, but after seeing you I clearly couldn’t afford it”
4. “My boss told me if I work really hard, in a year I’ll be promoted to the drive thru window!”
3. “I lied to my Doctor, now I am able to go to the methadone clinc, so I got that going for me”
2. “You remind me of my mother; God she was such a bitch!”
1. “You’re so beautiful; I really can’t wait to choke the shit out of you”

 

The Easter Bunny Visited Me Last Night

Do you ever wake up

And your butt feels a little funny?

That’s how you know

You’ve been visited by the Easter Bunny

By: Tim Lundmark

Bad Touch Bunny

The Easter Bunny is not so funny

When the Easter Bunny touches you inappropriately

Bellow your tummy

By: Tim Lundmark

The Bunny, The Crack Pusher

The Easter Bunny brings me candy

This year little crack rocks

They make me feel dandy

When I go back to get some more

He looks at me funny

When I say I have no money

He said if you want more

Sweet little  boy, you’ll make a damn good whore

By: Tim Lundmark

Have we as humans de-evolved? Have we lost intelligence over the years? I think corporations assume we have. This last weekend I noticed a few messages which were placed on certain products. I giggled to myself, because the messages were so ridiculous I wondered why the company felt the need to place them on their product.

The first product I noticed was a case of water. On the package in large letters it stated “Purified water.” Okay nothing wrong with this, it was the message underneath that caused me to giggle; the message stated “For Drinking.” I thought to my self. “What else would people mistake this for?” The water came in twenty ounce bottles, so it was clear; this product was meant for quenching my thirst. I also had a hunch this water was for the purpose of drinking, since I purchased it for said purpose.

I wonder if there are people out there that have bought this product with the intention of bathing, and complained to the company the water was not hot enough. Could there have been people who attempted to water their lawn, who also complained there was not enough liquid to cover their entire lawn. This is the first time I ever noticed such a message. The case of water I have in my office does not have this message so I just don’t get it.

Product two; is a bag of charcoal. We were barbecuing over the weekend and I noticed a message on the bag, which was informative. The message stated “Burning charcoal inside can kill you. It gives off carbon monoxide which has no odor.” I had no idea burning charcoal contained carbon monoxide. I would never burn it inside, nor would I stand over the grill and inhale the smoke. Irregardless the information was helpful, this was not the message which made me think, under this message was another one. “NEVER burn charcoal inside homes, vehicles or tents.”

I think this message is unnecessary. I thought the first part of the message was clear, even if I had the notion to grill inside, I now know it could kill me. The company assumes we may not have gotten the message in the beginning. They had to capitalize never, and advise us to again not to burn inside our homes, but just incase we might try to grill elsewhere they added our cars of tents. Really! Why would anyone grill inside after they read it could kill them? Regardless of this message, what dumbass would grill in their car, or tent? Why would anyone grill in their car when they have a place with more room…called outside? Furthermore; considering charcoal causes fire, and tents are…well flamable. Armed with this logic, what kind of genius would voluntarily grill inside their tent?

Product 3; I was in the restroom and there was a hand towel dispenser. This dispenser had just enough paper towel for someone to grab and pull. There was no handle to crank, or sensor. The situation seems simple; one should grab the towel and pull, but oh no we are far to stupid for that. On the dispenser it shows a picture of hands grabbing the towel, with a message “Grab paper towel with hands and pull.” I appreciate the company who manufactured this for such informative information, you know just incase I had a hard time figuring it out.

Is our society losing intelligence? The english language is already crumbling, not because Americans are not required to learn the language, but because of spell check and texting. Case in point I received a text from a friend last night, he replaced what with wut! Is it really to hard to add one fucking word? I would imagine company’s need to put such messages on products to avoid being sued, like when you buy coffee and the message  on the cup says “Caution: Contents Hot!” Oh yes they felt they needed to add an exclamation point, so they could really get the message. I now know for sure my coffee is hot, without the exclamation point; I may have just disregarded their message as not really that important.

I am certain our society’s intelligence has decreased. We raise our children on Nickelodeon, and send them to underfunded public schools; teaching far too inferior material compared to other nations. We need to realize; the youth of today will someday lead us. It is a shame a once great country has fallen so far.

What is it about hearing a song, and having it pull at your soul? The song appears to speak to you, so you end up listening to it over and over again. Is that a girl thing? When it comes to me and emotions I have a hard time dealing or identifying with sad feelings. They just sit inside of me. I cry on the inside, but show nothing on the outside. If I do show something it manifests itself into anger or crabbyness.

The only way I can get those internal tears to shed on my external is by stimulation through music, movies, or tv shows. It sucks, but I ended up listening to this song fifty times yesterday, and when I arrived at work today I gave it another twenty listens. Sitting here weeping in my office, I am happy I can shut my door. The last thing I want is my co-workers seeing signs of weakness.

I read a Yahoo news article “How to tell if you are middle-class” I was disappointed to see we are not. I actually thought we hit middle-class status a few years ago, but our money made and lifestyle expenses don’t match up. I found the article amusing because it seems to be middle class you need more than just falling in on an income level. You need to be deeply in debt, have a house with 2,300 square feet, two cars, and other depressing things. After I read the complete article, I am ecstatic I am not considered middle-class.

My wife and I were invited to a Minnesota Wild hockey game. We do not know much about hockey, but wanted to go to see our friends and experience what it was like to sit with the rich people. I wondered before going if we should dress as if it was a black tie affair. We watched the game when I dared my wife to ask our friend Blake this question. “Why don’t the players just catch that black thing in their gloves, then skate down and throw that thing into the end zone?” We laughed because it was funny, but neither of us had the courage to say such a silly thing to this man, for reasons which are not important.

Why do employers send a letter to interviewees which state they did not get the job? I think the fact you are not working there is proof enough. I think they like to rub the misery in.

I have regular bowl movements, and they always happen at work in the morning. I understand pooping is normal, and everyone does it, but if someone comes in right after me, or disregards the occupied sign and tries to unlock it, or even the person working in the hallways who just happened to be out there the whole time I have been in there. I feel such a sense of shame.

I formed a new blog yesterday. It will not be up for about a week. The title is “Reviews For The People By The People.” It will be a place people can post reviews on music, movies, or other media. This idea is not unique in any way. I am sure there are tens of millions of others out there. I am hoping if I can put a different spin on it perhaps it will stand out. If nothing else it will make my website a little better, because it needs all the help it can get.

I added the WordPress application to my Facebook account, since then my daily visits have decreased. I use to just post a link and a little comment about it, and I would drive some traffic from Facebook. I wonder if it shows up different so people are not seeing it?

I am afraid I am going to fry my IPOD, and docking station. For some reason anytime I touch my IPOD, while it is hooked up to this docking station I get shocked and so does the IPOD and station. Sometimes it will fry the clock light out, then fries it to turn back on. Sometimes it will reset the clock on the docking station. It is scary because I NEED music to survive work, without it I would have to quit. My biggest fear is I will fry my IPOD, and if that got fried… Words can not describe the sorrow. I have put way to much time, money and energy into filling up all 120 Gigs. It would be painful to have to start over.

FIN