Posts Tagged ‘redemption’

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I was advised to stay quite while as a family we went through hell and back thanks to this piece of shit my daughters life has been changed and damaged by him, and not writing about this has been very difficult. Over time I plan on telling this story although for the sake of my readers I will reframe from posting one long drawn out post. 

If you want to see the predator who took my daughter and I in to his home during a very fucked up time. Mentally I was fucked, all the while this man who was supposed to be my friend and as he called it we are a family like “My two dads.” One of the things that eats at me is he systematically kept me sick and fucked up on purpose to groom my daughter. 

I want it to be noted I am an overly honest person when it comes to writing and the posts to come will be from eyes and I will be painfully open, but out of respect to my daughter any details regarding my her and this douche fuck will be limited to “grooming.” 

I will attempt to unravel this cluster fuck in future posts. 

For the last four days I have been trying to find the words needed for a long overdue apologie to Ernie and any family member who suffered collateral damage as a result of it.

I read this quote in a different light yesterday. I realized I needed to heed Emersons advice because I will never be able to string together words powerful enough to match my words of hurt and anger. Despite this leaving words unsaid is worse than no words at all.

There is no excuse for the way I chose to respond to this situation and I was a complete asshole to you and my family. Regardless if you agree or disagree with my beliefs, thoughts, or opinions. The truth is its your property and you have the right to say who can and cannot be there. I need to own up to the fact that regardless of the hurt I felt from being blacklisted for being me. I was the same person then as I was before I felt rejected and abandoned by my family.

All of that is irrelevant I made the decision to express my feelings on the very platform which caused this problem. I was motivated by the hurt I felt letting my anger do the writing. I was wrong and out of line to turn this problem loose on a social platform. I behaved like a 3 year old throwing a temper tantrum, who was determined to to have the final word.

I have to take ownership for the way I acted towards my family. I put them in an unfair situation by saying “it’s him or me.” I created the ripple effect of destroyed relationships. I am not expecting redemption or forgiveness I honestly don’t deserve it.

Over the last two years the self hatred towards my reflection has been a blessing and a curse. I need to understand why, how, and when this monster I see… is me.

It is hard to breathe when I see the trail of the pain, sorrow and tears left in my wake. It is important to express that I take ownership for the aftermath of the shit storm of pain and suffering  I have caused to all those unfortunate enough to know me. I caused this problem, along with all the other ones. It is no one’s fault, no one to blame. To get lost in your heads believing they caused the problems is not needed.