Posts Tagged ‘Suffering’

I enjoy philosophical riddles, and I spend far too less time working on them. The reasons do not matter. I am confronted with one riddle in particular day in and day out… Why have I not or cannot kill myself?

I have gone through my fair share of suffering, and for most of my life battled with the will and desire to no longer be alive. I have many times and still want to die. I do not want to exist. So why at this moment with how I feel and have felt I must ask myself. Why am I breathing and writing this?

This has been a philosophical puzzle that has plagued and tortured me. I have come up with many theories, reasons, and excuses for why I have not.

No point in running the list. What I came up with and I feel so blind for not figuring this out. Its our primal directive to survive. Its ingrained within us and drives everything. This directive is so powerful that I cannot overcome or find the courage to end my suffering.

To me logic and reason would dictate that ending suffering is the only thing that makes sense. Every other theory I have ever had about why I am still alive stems from this roadblock.

How can this override clear logic and reason of not wanting to suffer? How can this seed allow us to self deceive ourselves against the logical course of action. How and at what point can this will be broken down?

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48 days ago I was going to commit suicide, yet here I am. I have been in deep self-reflection questioning and wondering why I am still alive. Six years ago was the last time I had an identical plan, preparations, suicide note and the intent to end my life, yet here I am. The suicide note I wrote six years ago resulted in a published book of poems, so I again ask myself what if anything will result from this intervention. I question and wonder was it divine intervention, or chaos theory which caused the series of events thwarting my plan to end my pain and leave this world behind.

The dark part of my mental illness comes with battling suicidal ideologies. The want and need to no longer be is always lingering; internally the battle rages on between selfishness and selflessness, feelings of hopelessness and hopefulness. Do I continue living in pain to spare the pain my death would cause to those who love me, or do I finally obtain peace and nothingness? There have only been three times in my life where selfishness had truly won, and I was at peace with my decision. I was more prepared and 100% ready to get the fuck out of here. I was no longer able to function with the pain. I started working on the details of the finality of my life about a month before I planned to carry it out, but before my much anticipated release, chaos erupts and in the blink of an eye everything turns to shit… or does it?

The story on how I ended up making my final decision is long and complicated, some of it I have written about, much of it went unwritten. I feel it would be therapeutic and helpful for me to go back and fill in the gaps between the post I wrote about moving out of the house and starting the divorce process through today. I know taking ownership and facing the reality of the roles I played in all of this will be difficult, but it needs to be done. With that being said the path I was on started with moving out and separating from my wife, and ended with me moving back home, everything in-between felt like a dream I couldn’t wake up from. So how and why did I get from there to here?

Six days prior to my date with nothingness, I discovered tangible proof of some disturbing shit involving my roommate and my daughter. My roommate and my daughter became a key component for my motivation and drive to end it all. I knew if I was no longer alive than she would have no choice but to move out of that house; I knew my blindness and denial was destroying her, but it was the shattering of this denial which caused me to flip out.

I was on the phone with my uncle and after a month of planning and silence I go on a rant about what I just found out about my roommate, I reveal my original plan and introduce the new addition to my plan. My uncle calls my sister; my sister calls the cops, and the cops show up beginning a series of events that led me here. This still doesn’t answer my question as to why I am still alive. With all of this added chaos and bullshit it should have been easier to keep my date with destiny, yet here I am.

Why… the only conclusion I can come to is I have been given a second chance. A second chance at making right all the wrongs in my marriage and with my children. My final safety net keeping me from offing myself has always been the impact it would have on my family, my safety net was gone. I had lost my family, but when my daughter and I moved back home that night I was filled with so many conflicting emotions; none of which involved suicide.

I am still lost in the forest of darkness and despair, the cause and effects of that night has actually caused greater stress and worry, yet here I am. My hopelessness has been replaced with hopefulness. This may be delusional thinking, but I feel I have hit the reset button on life giving me a clean slate at becoming a better husband and father. Is this why I am still here, to be a better husband and father? Is this divine intervention or chaos theory? Will this hopefulness last, or will hopelessness return?

What We Learn From Failed Relationships

Posted: May 27, 2014 in Absolute Truth, Abuse, Anxiety, Arguments, Blog, Blogging, Change, Childhood, Children, Coping, Crisis, Culture, Dating, Debates, Depression, Diary, Dilemma, Divorce, Dreams, Emotional Abuse, Ethics, Evil, Faith, Family, Fatherhood, Fear, Forgiveness, Freedom, Fun, Greed, Grief, Growing up in abusive homes, Health, Humor, Inside My Mind, Journal, Kids, Learning, Lies and broken promises, Life, Lists, Living Your Dream, Logic, Love, Lust, Marriage, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Misc, miscellaneous, Moral Theories, Morals, Motivation, Mourning, NA, Opinion, Pain, Parent, Parenting, Personal, Philosophy, Poems, Poetry, Published Author, Quotes, Random, Random Thoughts, Rants, Rejection, Relationship Issues, Relationships, Sadness, Self-esteem, Self-Help, Self-image, Social Anxiety, Social Debates, Society, Sorrow, Spirituality, Stress, Suffering, The Invention of Lying, The Philosophy of Lyrics, The Philosophy of Quotes, Things That Give Me Anxiety, Thoughts, Top Ten Lists, Uncategorized, Unity, Verbal Abuse, Writing
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I would first like to start off by thanking all of my readers and subscribers. I learned today; I have readers from 61 different countries. I think that’s pretty bad ass. I am aware that my readership grew from the topics of philosophy, theology, and madness. So bear with me as I stray a bit from those topics. Today I would like to release that which has been permeating in my mind. I would like ponder for a moment the importance of learning from our mistakes in a failed relationship. Through all of this I am trying to maintain a positive attitude and outlook. So here we go.

The one thing I can say with out a doubt is I am far from sainthood. I have made my more than my fair share of mistakes, and bad decisions which played a role in the overall destruction of my marriage. I am ashamed and consumed with intense guilt because of this. This combined with my wife’s lies, and infidelity has allowed me to see the light. I am sure I could write a 200 page paper on this topic, but I will try to keep this short and sweet.

There are 10 main things I have learned in my failed marriage. Now mind you there are far more than 10, but as I said this is not a 200 page dissertation on my failed marriage. I will do my best to not place blame, because it doesn’t do anyone any good. Some things on this list will undoubtedly overlap, even though this is the case I feel each one deserves to be mentioned. Without further ado here is my list of 10 things I learned from my failed marriage.

  1. Never Lie: I did a lot of research after I found out about what my wife did. I learned that in humans our first response when we know we have done something wrong, that will ultimately lead to a negative outcome our immediate response is to lie. We do this for two reasons one we want to avoid conflict, and two we don’t want to get in trouble. Since I am a proponent of the tabula rasa theory (mind being born as a blank slate.) I feel this is a trait we learn as children, which carries over into adulthood. Lying to your partner no matter how small is a terrible idea. We can overcome this childish trait, by knowing our partner as well as ourselves, focus on understanding and know that mistakes are actually learning opportunities.
  2. Never Cheat: I think this one doesn’t need further explanation. It’s a painful and shitty thing to do to those we love. Even if (insert some attractive famous person) wanted to be with you, nothing is worth hurting the one you love.
  3. Trust: it should go without saying that if the two things listed above are followed then trust shouldn’t be an issue. Unfortunately we all carry the baggage of past hurt, what we need to realize is who ever we are with now is not the person who caused us hurt in the past. I would imagine it would be a good idea to be open and honest about these past hurts. A relationship that is not built on trust is like trying to build a house of cards on a windy day, neither of these two examples will be successful. The perfect advice one can give in fostering trust in a relationship is this; if you would not say or do something if your partner was there with you, then you definitely shouldn’t do it.
  4. Accept and Love Each Other For All Their Good Qualities, As Well As Their Flaws: let’s admit it people, no one is perfect, and those who claim to be are probably the most screwed up of them all. Initially I am sure that we all fall in love with our mates good qualities. During the “courting” or “honeymoon” phase of a relationship, it is kind of like interviewing for a job, you really are not being completely honest your just trying to get the “job.” As the relationship progresses and begins to become serious is usually when we start to notice each others flaws. The important thing is that we learn to love that person regardless of their flaws. In fact I believe our flaws can become the most exciting part of a relationship. When you love the good qualities along with the flaws you know you have found true love; when everything seems to fit like a glove.
  5. Never Put Your Partner Down and Break Their Will: this topic has a lot to do with item number four. There are just two things I would like to add. The first is from an article by John Gottman, PhD in an article titled “4 Signs of A Troubled Marriage” Here is the link.http://affiliatedpsychologicalservices.com/4-signs-of-a-troubled-marriage/ Gottman talks about “The Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse” which are clear signs you are headed for a divorce. The first two he brings up is “Criticism” and “Contempt.” If anyone out there grew up in an abusive home where as a child you were faced with these two horsemen, having to deal with such things in a marriage is a key ingredient in a divorce. If you tell someone something negative about them enough times, with the right amount of nastiness it is only natural the other party will believe what they are being told, and inevitable this is who they will see when they look into the mirror. I don’t think people are aware of how serious the long term damage can be. My second point comes from a line from the song “Weight of The World” by Blue October. “Don’t bother changing things that won’t give into changing.” It is one thing to help your partner grow and become the best person they can be, but in the process don’t try to change who they are inside. If you are hell bent on trying to force someone to change, there is always medication. If this is your goal please take to heart one of my quotes “Medication is to fix the people we don’t like.” If you feel you need to medicate your partner, it’s time to call it quits.
  6. Freedom: As your relationship grows, it is imperative that you do not take away your partners freedom. When I say freedom I am not referring to allowing your partner to go out all the time neglecting the relationship, and engaging in behaviors which fall into the first three categories I listed. When I say freedom, I say that it is clearly healthy to share and be with each other, but it is also healthy to have a respectful life outside of the relationship. I have made this deadly mistake in one of my relationships, and I have now been on the receiving end of how damaging smothering and isolating your partner can be. If your relationship is built on a strong foundation of trust and respect this should be something you encourage each other to do. I have always admired the relationship between my best friend of 26 years and his lovely wife. I will not mention names, but I truly hope one day I can figure out whatever their secret is, and apply it to my future relationships. I am going to encourage them to write a book.
  7. Support Their Dreams: There is nothing more precious and sacred than some ones hopes and dreams. For some our dreams appear to us when we are young, others do not fully realize their dreams until they discover who they are. When I was young I had the normal boyhood dreams to become a professional football or baseball player, unfortunately like normal boys those dreams were not meant to be. Beyond those two options, I really didn’t have anything else that drove or inspired me, until the 5th grade. Long story short I ended up doing many writing assignments and I remember my teacher signing my year book, saying she could one day see something I have written being published. I was not a very well behaved child, so positive reinforcement from the teachers I tormented was rare, but from that moment my dream changed. I wanted to become a professional writer. As I grew older I held onto this dream, and wrote in private. I never thought anything I would write would be read let alone published. Again long story short one of my poetry books was published, I started this blog, wrote two children’s books, and two other poetry books. Needless to say this was the greatest I had ever felt about myself, because I accomplished something I never thought I could… my dream. I did not receive support from my partner, and in fact was highly put down and discouraged from continuing to write, until finally I had no option but to stop writing. The details behind this are not important at this moment.
  8. Open & Honest Communication: You would think this is a no brainier, but for my marriage and I would imagine many others this proved to be too challenging to overcome and sowed the seeds to our divorce. I feel if you have all seven of these things listed above then number eight would be a given, but if you take out one or two of the above it makes communication a challenge. I avoided and ran away from open and honest communication. I could make a laundry list for why, but this is already becoming too long of a post. Mainly I was afraid to honestly look in the mirror, I was scared I was going to receive an unhealthy dose of items four and five. Regardless of those reasons it is on me for failing in this aspect of our marriage. I need to take ownership for this, and like everything listed learn to not make the same mistakes. It is very difficult and challenging for me to be social, and communicate even with those closest to me. I know this is something I need to work on, but what always ends up playing over and over in my mind is the Pink Floyd lyrics from the song “The Final Cut” which I will add at the end.
  9. Be A Selfless Lover: This is actually one area where I have and feel the most accomplished. I felt I needed to add this, because in my experience men in general put their intimacy needs, or the final “outcome” before their partners. I will not go into detail in case my mom is reading this, but as men our primary focus and goal when it comes to being intimate is placing our partners needs before ourselves. Any man can do his business and be on his way, but this is a man who has failed. When it comes to intimacy your only goal and desire should be the feelings and ultimate “outcome” of your partners needs. Everything else should be secondary.
  10. Find Your Genuine Light: Tomorrow I am going to post a quick poem describing the meaning behind this comment. I do not believe in soul mates. I do not believe there is only one true love for everyone. I believe for everyone, there exists many individuals who could be considered your genuine light. I believe they are rare, but they are out there. My advice is if you feel you are holding your genuine light, don’t let them slip away because you cannot be certain another one will come around to light up your life.

 

“And if I show you my dark side
Will you still hold me tonight?
And if I open my heart to you
And show you my weak side
What would you do?
Would you sell your story to Rolling Stone?
Would you take the children away
And leave me alone?
And smile in reassurance
As you whisper down the phone?
Would you send me packing?
Or would you take me home?”

Pink Floyd

These lyrics describe perfectly why it is so difficult for me to open up to people, which hinders my ability to effectively communicate.

I started writing and never finished a post last week about how thankful I was for not being consumed by a deep depression for some time. I feel like it has been a lifetime since I ventured into the darkest regions of my shen. I should have knocked on wood, because since yesterday I have steadily crept into a downward spiral of darkness. I am trying my hardest to lighten the blow, and recover before it gets to bad. During this depression free time I have by no means been stable. My moods have been all over the place for a few months, but I have been void of any out of control manias or crippling depressions. The times I had hit a small mania or minor depression I was able to quickly rebound from it. I was considering myself lucky, until today. I do not know exactly what is wrong with me, but all I want to do is crawl into bed and cry.

I have been sitting here in my office trying my hardest to fight back the tears. I think this episode started when I was looking at a new picture of my youngest son on my desk. They did this new style at his school this year which I am really digging. I must say this is the best school picture I have ever gotten. I just got lost looking at his picture, when all of a sudden tears started welling up in my eyes. I was a bit overwhelmed by this since I am not one to cry. If I were to guess; I would say I only cry two to three times a year. I at first thought these were tears of joy, but then I was slapped with this gut wrenching sense of guilt. I started to look into myself to figure out why I am feeling so much remorse. I started to do some deep searching and came to the conclusion my guilt lies in my failures as a father.

I am by no means the worst father, but I can guarantee you I will never win father of the year. I have made many mistakes as a father, many of which I would sell my soul to take back. It is not like any of my mistakes have been ones of violence. I have been angry as hell at my kids, but would never harm them. The things I wish I could take back are the many small things that equal up to the big things. As I sit here reflecting, the only conclusion I come to is I have not been a good enough father. If anyone out there is a parent you can understand the tormenting feeling this reflection will cause. There is one thing in life you should not fail at, and that is being a good parent. I wonder if my kids were asked “do you have a good dad” would they answer yes without hesitation or would they need to think about it? I believe they would need to give that one a second thought.

I am trying to take inventory and convince myself I am a good father, this is becoming increasingly difficult. There may be a thing here or a thing there I do well as a parent, but I seem to fail everywhere in-between. I feel like I am not there enough for my children. It is so hard for me to just be in the moment and enjoy what I have. I am always lost somewhere inside my mind. I am either focusing on my writing, sucked into a down causing me to be emotionally unavailable, or I am consumed with distracting mania (my children’s favorite mood.) I feel like I do not give them the attention they deserve. I have cut the amount of time I spend writing by 75%, but still feel like I am a stranger to them. I feel like I have been in this cycle forever where I am only partially available. My mind is so scatter brained all the time it is hard for me to focus on things. I tend to get distracted off into so many different directions. I never feel like I am just right where my kids need me to be.

I am feeling such intense guilt over all the times I have yelled at them. There are so many better ways to speak to your children, and I take the cowards copout by reacting with the only emotion I feel comfortable expressing. Inside I am by no means an angry person. I am normally very Zen, but the minute I feel any negative emotion it comes out in anger. I cannot cope with these deep scars I have, and instead of feeling through it I lash out. I think this is a defense mechanism I developed long ago. I hate myself for not having the commonsense to just walk away and collect my thoughts. I know what it feels like to grow up with a yeller, and let me tell you it is horrible. The thought of me speaking to my children the way my step-father spoke to me makes me want to vomit. I try to make myself feel better by saying “all parents yell at their kids from time-to-time,” but this is not working. I feel like I have become the one man I despise more than anything, the man who traumatized me as a child. If I am doing the same things to my kids that he did to me, then reason would conclude I am him. I cannot deal with this reason. I cannot cope with this reality.

I just want my kids to be healthy and happy, and I worry they can’t be healthy with me around. I have failed them in every single way I possibly can. I am having a really hard time with this. I can almost feel the pain I have caused them, and it is ripping my insides apart. If they even remotely feel the way I think they feel then what the fuck am I? What have I become? I should have learned from the mistakes of my parents, and not followed in their footsteps, but somehow here I am. I try so hard to change these things, and I may be straight for a few days, or a few weeks, but then slip back into my old self. I hate my old self. I find it very hard to think of anything positive to say about my true self. I find it inconceivable my children love my true self. This actuality makes me cry in my office.

I am giving my published book “My Descent into Madness” away for free. My publisher is ripping me off by not giving me credit for books sold. I made a vow to cease all marketing for this book and even canceled interviews, and readings. I then realized my whole point when this book was published was for people to read my words. I don’t really care about the money.

If you are interested in receiving a digital copy of my book, please e-mail me at tlundmark@missionsinc.org or thephilosophyofme@yahoo.com please allow a day or two to e-mail you. I ask one thing in return; when you finish the book, please e-mail me a review of the book so I can post on my website. This copy may have some minor spelling mistakes, because it is the unedited version. Here is a little about the book.

“My Descent into Madness,” It was August 2009, I had just crashed from a manic episode. I was taking Chantix which was causing me to go deeper down the insanity hole. I just kept getting worse and worse. I hit the lowest low, and wanted to die so I could no longer feel the way I did. I wrote a note to my family. I kept reading it over and over, and I felt I was not saying enough. I wanted them to know the depths of my suffering.

I have always been able to write poems; until then I never kept them. I would just write and they would end up getting tossed. I started a journal, and I was determined to convey my pain, so their grieving was not that bad. The final entry was dated February 8th 2010.

I was able to crawl out of the darkness, with the help of my family, and the Tao Te Ching I was able to see some light. My wife found this self publishing site, so I went for it. It did not take long to get published. The accomplishment of having my work get published is hard to put into words. I want to share my words to as many people as I can, so if you are interested in a copy drop me a line. I would like to recommend some sites to my readers.

woodka.com     

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bipolarbeauti.wordpress.com        

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Please support these fantastic sites.

Last night I was looking at pictures of my younger sister’s newborn baby on Facebook. As I went from one picture to the next I was feeling a sense of joy, from seeing her first-born child. My emotions turned upside down when a picture of her father holding Lily popped up. Seeing a picture of the man who tormented me for so many years was a bit shocking, many emotions welled up inside me ranging from hate to sympathy. I laid on the couch, and an urge came to text my sister, and ask for my estranged step-fathers number. Shortly thereafter I received his number, and programmed it into my phone. It was too late to call him, so I decided to what until tomorrow to make the call. I woke up this morning, and felt trepidation mixed with excitement to make the call. I waited and waited filled with nerves I haven’t felt in many years. I finally built up the courage to call around 4:30pm. I think a little background information is in order, before I continue this story.

My mother and father divorced when I was very young, maybe two or three I really don’t remember. Shortly after the divorce my mother met Sam; I was young when they first got together so I really do not recall their early relationship, or what it was like living with him. I am sure he was nice and charming, for if he treated us kids the way he did later in life I cannot fathom why she would have stayed with him.

My earliest memory, of when things started to go horribly wrong was around eight years old. We moved into a new house, by this time my mom and Sam had already had two children together. The house we moved into was two levels, my sisters and I slept in the basement, while my mom, Sam, and their two young children slept upstairs. It was not until I got much older; I realized the true symbolism of this separation. The following years were filled with living in utter fear, I am not going to go into detail on this subject. The psychological pain is far too much to have to re-live.

My mom had many fights with Sam over the way he treated my older sisters and I. She started to notice this type of environment was unhealthy. She wanted to protect me, but was in a lose-lose situation so in In 5th grade I was sent to live with my Grandma. I lasted there for a year before my behaviors’ became too much for her to handle. I was then sent to live with my father and his abusive alcoholic wife for nine months before she got drunk and kicked me out. The whole time I was living there my father did nothing to protect me.

With nowhere else to go I was sent back to my moms. I did not know which was worse; dealing with the sadistic shit at my dad’s or the sadistic shit at my moms. I stayed with my mom for I think two years, before I was sent off to live with my sister, then back with dad, back with sister, back with mom, kicked out nowhere to go ended up with friend, then finally I found some stability when my best friend’s parents took me in. The three years I lived there, ended up being the most stable years of my childhood.

The things that my step-father did to me at such a young age, I would not wish on my worst enemy. The verbal abuse was intense, the physical threats were terrifying, and the emotional damage I carry to this day… devastating. Regardless of my deep seeded fear of this man, all I really wanted was his acceptance. I tried so hard to find a common bond, and hear from him just once how he was proud of me.

My father was in and out of my life, so for better or worse he was my father figure, and like any child I only wanted his love and affection. These are things I would never receive, instead I would be told consistently how big of a piece of shit I was, and how I would amount to nothing just like my father. His psychological abuse was so bad, that past 8pm I would fear leaving my room so much, that If I needed to use the bathroom I would piss in a bottle. I was 16 at the time. After the last time I was kicked out I did not have much contact with Sam, I would have panic attacks the times I went to go visit my mom and he would not say a word to me. I would have panic attacks anytime I would call her and he answered the phone.

When I was 19 my mom, Sam and my younger siblings moved to Northern Minnesota; from then on I saw very little of them. I would have brief chats with Sam if I called and he answered, or the few times I visited up there. A few years back my mother finally wised up and divorced him, after gambling away hundreds of thousands dollars and making her life hell she finally had enough. It has taken me years to totally forgive my mother, and to actually want to have a real relationship with her and his children. I didn’t realize my mother always had my best interests in mind, and she did everything to protect me.

The times I have gone up to visit my mom, I always think about stopping by to see him, or from time to time give him a call. I never followed through with it until today. I figured if I called him and said that I have a beautiful wife and three wonderful children, a house with nice things in it, and just had a book published, maybe I would finally hear him say he was proud of me. I may finally gain his approval, and in that put many demons to rest.

I should defiantly lower my expectations in life. When I called and told him it was me, his response was “ya so” I didn’t know how to respond to that, so I tried to do some small talk. He was a complete asshole to me, he said that he hates my generation; he said that if he would have called his mom after all that time of not talking to her she would have hung up on him. I apologized for calling, and said it won’t happen again. He said good and hung up. In that instant I was left feeling like the scared, rejected, pathetic child I am.

Many people suffer from pain, whether it comes in the form of emotional or physical. This pain can range from periodic, sudden, or chronic, I would like to focus on the latter in the form of mental illness. Chronic pain is the most debilitating pain anyone can feel, because it never goes away. No matter how hard you try it is there. An individual can fall and break their leg, and be in excruciating pain, or suffer from a migraine here and there. I am in no way trying to marginalize the level of pain they are feeling, but it will pass, it will heal. Chronic pain is persistent; always in the back of the mind of those who are suffering.

For those of us who experience chronic suffering in the form of a mental illness; it is unrelenting and a daily torture. It is there when you go to bed and welcomes you, when you awake. You may be able to find a temporary fix, but in the end it always resurfaces. How does one cope with such a thing? How do we muster the strength knowing you will suffer another day? The answer to that can really only be answered on an individual basis, because only the individual knows the level of suffering they can endure. What works for one person may not work for the next. It is a lonely condition because no one can truly relate or understand your suffering.

I have lived with such suffering, going on 25 years now. This suffering has shown many faces over the years, the only combining factor is its consistency. I blame no one, yet blame everyone. I have everything, yet possess nothing. I am behind my wall, yet exposed to the world. I sabotage the good in my life, yet build a home for the bad. It is hard to have so much to be grateful for, but the inability to see it. I am unsure if this is the proper forum to go much deeper on a personal level, although it may be the only forum.

The darkness that we find ourselves in is vast and unremitting, a horizon of darkness with no glimmer of light. Most of the time you find yourself lost; dead to the world. Every movement of everyday takes all your strength to smile through it. Trapped insight you depend on your pills to bring you a cure, a cure that never comes. You then pray for relief, prayers that are rarely answered. You get sick and tired of being sick and tired, yet find yourself stumbling through another day. What is the motivation that keeps us going? For me; I get up five days a week, and go to work, because I know my wife and children depend on me to bring home a paycheck; without it they would be lost.    

Many people find happiness, and they are able to see that ray of light, only to be shoved into despair, and shrouded within the darkness. Many people chase those moments, geeking out for their next fix of relief. Many people reach out to loved ones, only to fine empty arms. Many people choose to self medicate, only to find the devil comes with a price. Many people hide afraid to show themselves to the world, so they can avoid the labels and scrutiny, choosing to suffer in silence. Many people seek love and understanding, only to find that bridge has been burned long ago. Many people give up, finding peace in bloody veins, or the finger twitch on the trigger. The ones who survive; are either afraid of the unknown properties death brings, or are concerned more about their loved ones then themselves. Today I choose to be selfless; tomorrow I may not be so strong.