Posts Tagged ‘Winter’

I can remember as a child getting excited when it snowed. I would play outside building snow forts, constructing massive snowmen, and going sledding on any hill I could find. The kids in the neighborhood would have snow ball fights so the forts we built came in handy. I also remember playing pick-up games of football and it always made it more fun playing in the snow. The cold didn’t bother me then like it does now, because I was being so active. I loved when it snowed so much they had to cancel school. Those were the good old days before I wised up to the shityness winter brings. I had no concept about the horrors of driving to and from work. I am in a consistent panic worrying about the next time I need to drive. It causes all my other MI symptoms to flair up and I easily enter into a psychosis. The drive in this morning was horrible and I am freaking out about having to drive home. To me driving in this weather is playing Russian roulette with a car. I worry each time I head out to drive that this moment may just be my last.

This consistent flow of anxiety and panic always comes in mid-November or after the first snow fall. I worry and I worry until I work myself up in a tisi. My mind is consistently bombarded with images of injury, or death. What fucks me up the most is the ice; this is the invisible killer. You cannot see it but you know it is there waiting for you to make a mistake and when you do BAM! Your dead thank you for playing. It rained this morning and has now turned to snow, this means that the water on the roads will turn into ice. I really just want to bring a cot to work and stay here until Friday. If I were to do this then I would only need to drive in this crap two times a week. I am not necessarily worried about me (although I am) I am more worried about the crazy drivers who think they are invincible. They drive with no cares in the world because they think their four wheel drive will save them from death. Agh I am just sitting here counting down the minutes until I have to drive again.

In the end winter is evil, and is Mother Nature’s way of trying to eradicate us. I think she was really mad when we created fire and housing so we didn’t freeze to death. I do not know why I still choose to live in Minnesota, considering how much I despise winter. I just want it to be over and in reality it is just starting. YUK

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My cycles are random and unpredictable, but the one thing I can count on is the cycles I have when the season changes. With every changing of the season I have drastic cycle changes. When it turns to spring I have mania. When spring turns to summer I have more intense mania. I do not mind these because I will always choose mania over depression. I dread the season change from summer to fall and fall into winter. I tend to slip into the deepest depressions of any of my cycles throughout the year. I cannot fight these season cycles anymore than I can change the changing of the seasons.

I was not always aware of these guaranteed changes until my wife pointed them out over and over again. I think it took me eight years to finally accept this fact. This acceptance of fact has helped me in embracing these changes and doing my best to prepare for them. I know this is not an isolated case because my uncle who has bi-polar suffers from the same seasonal change cycles. I just wonder if this is the case for all those who suffer from this illness. I know there are those who suffer from depression depending on how much sunlight they receive.

I have been consciously trying to find ways to get out of my cycles. I already know the best way to curb a mania is by loading myself up on Seroquel. I usually try to not take myself out of manias because I thoroughly enjoy the feeling it brings. I have two types of mania a positive and a negative. When I enter into the positive mania I experience euphoria. I am a better father and husband, because I interact with my wife and children more. I give off a positive vibe, and I am always hypersexual. I am more creative in my positive writing projects, and I am able to edit my work so much easier. Overall I just feel really great. When I hit my negative mania, I am still more creative except this time I focus on my negative projects. I am typically still jacked up except this time I am very irritable and crabby.

I always seem to fall apart when I have my crash and enter into depression. All I want is to be alone and sleep. I have found only one positive from this shitty state; I am more creative with my really dark stuff. My greatest talent tends to be my dark stuff, because I am really good at describing my pain in a poetic way. I have already slipped into two separate depressions. Stopping these depressive states are much more difficult than curbing my mania. There is no magic pill which takes it all away. I have found three things which will bring me out of a depression; Madden, writing, and energy drinks. These things seem to always pull me out. These three things always lift me into a happy place.

I have always thought I suffer from rapid cycling, because I can jump to one extreme to the other at the drop of the hat. Every doctor I have ever seen has told me this is impossible. If this is impossible then why do I have them? Is there a mood disorder which causes rapid changes from mania to depression? All I know with each passing day and the closer we get to winter I can feel myself needing to fight these depressive states. Last year when I hit my most extreme low I can ever remember was due to the season change. I started to write “My Descent into Madness” in September and wrote my final words to my family in November. I did not deal with the season change very well last year. I do have the new Madden so I could try to play that more. I have two new poetry books I am almost done with, and I also am finished with the next installment of Dylan Thomas; so I have a ton of positive work going on. I can always go to the store and buy energy drinks. I hope with these three newly discovered coping mechanisms I will be better prepared for winter.  

 Winter is here

Mother Nature has laid waste

To her children

Shrouding men in death

By: Tim Lundmark